Why people drift apart when married…

Far from running from the idea of relationships during my divorce, I found myself fascinated by the dynamics of successful relationships. I wanted to learn everything I could about relationships and what makes them successful. This model from world-renowned life coach and self-help author Antony Robbins made an enormous difference to my life. Essentially, he moves through the cycles of how we communicate with each other in a romantic relationship and how, if we’re not vigilant, intimacy and love can break down. The 5 R’s are:
 Resistance
 Resentment
 Rejection
 Resignation
 Repression
Initially, you start out your married life with some kind of hope for a prosperous relationship. You’re in love, your partner is amazing and everything is perfect. One day, something happens. He says something unkind or does something that elicits resistance in you. You get that “Whoa! Hold on, that was not OK!” feeling. This initial resistance is a completely normal reaction to learning new things about your partner and also normal for any behavior he displays that is not OK with you. As women, we often assume that men will know when they’ve done or said something wrong. So we wait for them to acknowledge this by sulking or withdrawing into silence.
Some men are very perceptive and will know something’s up, others won’t have a clue that their behavior has made their partner unhappy. When we keep quiet about our resistance, the feeling can shift into resentment. Many people in unhealthy relationships simply avoid facing reality. Sometimes this can be because the people involved may be trying to make themselves appear superior. Or perhaps they don’t want to face the fact that their mates really aren’t who they say they are, or that they’ve fallen from the ‘perfect mate’ perch.
For example, Anne B covers up and makes excuses for her mate, Ben B, who is always late from work and almost always misses family functions. She might be trying to avoid the truth: that he’s a workaholic, or having an affair. She does so because she doesn’t want to destroy their ‘perfect couple’ image in everyone’s eyes – and perhaps even in her own eyes.
It’s like ignoring that broken handle on a door in your home or not replacing that light bulb. If you don’t address the resentment, other resistances and other resentments will begin to build up. Once there is some momentum with your resentment, then you or your partner may begin to experience rejection within the relationship.
Once rejection creeps into a relationship, it becomes overwhelming and makes it difficult to create or sustain an intimate sexual relationship. Those of us who have been married a long time know that once the relationship feels strained, the regularity of sex is affected, and things can spiral downhill very quickly. The bed becomes divided into ‘his’ and ‘hers’ zones and intimacy suffers. Even the smallest things he says or does are irritating and more resistance, resentment and rejection builds up. If you don’t discuss your feelings of rejection, then your relationship can shift into the place of resignation.
This is when you can so easily slip into co-habitation; operating as housemates or mere friends. Passion, love and chemistry, and all the elements needed to maintain the spark and fire within the relationship, exit through the window. You can end up with an amicable friendship.
This is dangerous! Contentment and harmony are wonderful hallmarks of a marriage, but be sure they’re not camouflaging deep resignation in a relationship. When left too long, resignation can lead to repression. We’ve all been out to dinner and watched the married couple opposite sitting in complete silence. They’re courteous to one another and exchange pleasantries, but perhaps they have succumbed to resignation or repression and no longer actively discuss their relationship.
Repression completely kills the passion and chemistry in a relationship. At this point you may begin to question your commitment to the relationship. You may wonder if your partner was ever right for you. You may begin to spend hours day-dreaming about escaping from the relationship. When we’re not claimed as women by our men in a relationship, we can become obsessed with romance and escapism, daydreaming about being rescued from the disappointing reality of life and marriage.
When you’re removed from the reality of your relationship and your life and escape into a fantasy world, then you’re in real danger of seeking fulfillment outside your relationship and marriage. This is fertile ground for cheating. This is when the ‘midlife crisis’ happens. This is when we start eating for comfort.
Because we didn’t communicate openly, vulnerably and humanly about all the little resentments, in the moment, they built up and killed the relationship.
Here is a video describing this in more detail:
So I here is an exercise which I want you to do together with your partner every day to defuse some of the stress you both have. Once you have de-stressed then start focusing on managing the 5 R’s in your relationship.
Every evening when you have put the kids to bed, I want you to do the following:
BUCKET YOUR FRUSTRATIONS

• Go fetch a bucket (a real one) and sit together with no TV or chaos in the background with the bucket between you both
• You start by vomitting your frustrations into the bucket – it’s not allowed to be aimed at him or aimed at fighting with him – he is not allowed to respond except to acknowledge that he hears what you are saying – aim it into the bucket and vent everything that is pissing you off about life, how life should be, what your finances should be like not like etc.
• The job is – JUST LISTEN
• He will ask if you are done – if not, keep going until the bucket is full and you can think of nothing else annoying you
• THEN he will ask again if you are done, if you are – you both pick up the bucket and throw out these frustrations out of the window or door
• Now it’s his turn
• You also are not allowed to engage in conversation – he simply will vent his frustrations into this bucket – everything will go into it
• You need to listen only and not argue or speak – just allow him to vent and encourage him to vent so he learns to speak more about how he feels about life
• You will ask if he is done – if not, encourage him to keep going until the bucket is full and he can think of nothing else annoying him
• THEN you will ask again if he is done, if he is – you both pick up the bucket and throw out these frustrations out of the window or door

GRATITUDE
Now you both take turns to say what you are grateful for about your life. Your lives are actually very rich and amazing BUT because you dont focus on that, you dont see this. I want you both to come up with at least 5 things you are grateful for
CREATE TOMORROW
Now you both take turns to say what you will accomplish tomorrow. This is important because at the moment, life is happening to both of you – neither of you say how you want your life to go or feel like you have any control over your lives. Examples include: I will finish the filing tomorrow, I will take a nap in the afternoon and find someone to take care of the kids etc. It will also be good for your husband to share with you more about his job.
The goal for the next week is to do this exercise daily. Once we have you both calmer and in a place where you can defuse the stress, we will move onto next steps!
Till next time!

The naked divorce etiquette for handling your divorce at work if you are the boss!

• If you are the boss going through a divorce, the key thing is appoint someone you trust to delegate responsibilities to.
• Explain to this person that you are dealing with some personal issues at home (don’t get into specifics) and that you will require some extra support in the coming weeks.

• When you delegate, be very specific about what outcomes need to be achieved. Have a discussion with this person or people about what you envisage and what the end game is and ask them to build plans for how those outcomes are to be achieved. Ask them to break the tasks down as much as possible, here is a suggested format:

• Once everything is handled and you have a structure in place to achieve the outcomes laid out, take some time off to handle your personal situation.
• If you have a very closely-knit team, share with them what is going on, but keep it brief. This is not the time to get the sympathy vote or try to get everyone to feel sorry for you. It’s important to remain powerful and grounded in their eyes. This will win their respect and devotion in more ways than one.
• Even if you have close relationships with clients, I wouldn’t recommend telling them about your divorce. Simply mention you are taking some time off and their new contact person whilst you are away is XXX.
• If necessary: Check in with your team whilst you are away to ensure that the delegation has worked successfully. This will give you peace of mind.

If you run your own company, then I strongly recommend you do the naked divorce program so you can get back on track as soon as possible. As you and I both know, there is no hiding behind emotions, you have to perform regardless of your emotional state – so get busy with your healing!

Lots of hugs

The naked divorce etiquette for handling your boss at work

Firstly, tell your boss what you’re dealing with. Do this in a brief and matter-of-fact way. Ask for a few days off. Deal with any urgent matters that won’t wait until your return to office. If you think you might get overly emotional, write a formal email or letter.

THEN…

• Communicate very clearly with your boss about what he or she can and can’t count on from you. Give deadlines and try your best to stick to them. However, if it looks like you are struggling to meet a deadline, communicate with your boss immediately and recommit to what is possible.
• Watch your work hours. Your colleagues and boss will be looking to see if you are working less hours, therefore, unless you have permission to work less, work the full allotted time you are hired to work. If you arrive late, communicate immediately that you are going to be late AND ensure you work later to make up the time.
• If you are taking time off and have close relationships with clients, I wouldn’t recommend telling them about your divorce. Simply mention you are taking some time off and their contact person whilst you are away is [insert name.]
• If you have the option to work from home, do so. It’s easier to maintain professional etiquette via email and remotely than to be around the colleagues and people you work with every day when you’re dealing with raw emotions.
• Inform the accounts department as soon as possible about your pending divorce as your tax code may change. If you feel nervous about calling and aren’t feeling organized, prepare a list of things to communicate and email this through. Ensure that you include your current tax code in the email.

Stay tuned for part III…
Lots of hugs!

The naked divorce etiquette for dealing with your divorce at work

Some people find they need a routine to carry them through a crisis. But the general rule of thumb when facing divorce is that you should take leave from work to gather yourself and even 3 or 4 days will do.
Not only will you need this time to be alone to think, but you’ll need privacy to do so.
The comfort of routine is one thing, but be wary of throwing yourself into work as a distraction too soon. When you do go back to work, there are some tips which are helpful!

General tips:

• It’s very common to feel foggy and unclear during the first few weeks of a divorce, as your mind is preoccupied with feelings. It’s therefore a good idea to write down all action points and notes from meetings so that you have a reference. Pay special attention to requests being made of you. Write everything down.
• Ensure you communicate clearly about what you are willing to take on and what time frame you can commit to for those outputs. Add on 30% to any deadlines as you won’t be your usual, productive self.
• Make a point of taking a lunch break each day for a few weeks. Leave the office and take a walk. It’s important to take time out when you’re under severe stress.
• To remain calm at work drink a great deal of chamomile tea and use Rescue Remedy drops on a regular basis.
• A great way to remain calm and focused at work or to relax when heartbreak threatens to overwhelm you is to listen to the naked divorce Break Up Reboot. It’s a 26-minute audio recording (perfect for your lunch hour) designed to refocus your mind and realign the Neurochemicals in your brain. Listening to it every day for 21 days will dramatically increase your healing process and make you feel good about yourself again. You can download your complimentary Break Up Reboot today at: www.nakeddivorce.com/Book.
• If possible, don’t discuss the details of your divorce with your colleagues. Even if they’re good friends, discuss details outside of work and only with those you know will not make your divorce the office gossip of the day. Having the details of your divorce batted about the office will only add to your stress.
• Be selective about who you tell about your divorce, even if it’s outside of work. Avoid crying sessions with your colleagues at a bar. I know that it can be delicious to win the sympathy vote, but this strategy is not easy to come back from. Once they feel sorry for you, they will always feel sorry for you. This could therefore count against you if you are looking to climb the corporate ladder later on.

Stay tuned for part II…
Lots of hugs!

Why your friends and family are sometimes the worst support during your divorce

Although your friends and family are an important part of your life, you may find that they’re ill-equipped to support you through your loss. I found that even though my friends and family were well meaning, they often said or did things that were inappropriate.
Whenever we hung out together, my friends would try to distract me from the pain I was feeling, invalidating my emotions and my right to feel lousy. I’d leave feeling superficially better but also feeling as if I’d moved 2 steps backwards. I soon realized that I’d have to get divorce support elsewhere.
Before you chuck up this well-meaning lot, remember that although they’re trying hard, they’re just not equipped or trained to help you. Society has conditioned them to deal with loss in a particular way. It’s not their fault. They love you very much and they hate to see you suffering. They’ll try to take the pain away and will do whatever they can in the moment to achieve this.
Here are some points to bear in mind about some of your friends and family (you’ll probably recognize some of these points):

They are afraid of our feelings

It’s not popular in today’s society to express negative emotions in public. This represents being ‘out of control’ and can be interpreted as a sign of weakness. Friends and family may feel uncomfortable when we express strong emotions. Expect comments like:

• “You can’t fall apart.”
• “Be strong for the children.”
• “Keep a stiff upper lip.”

These are attempts to take the pain away, moving you ‘out of’ your emotions and intellectualizing your experience. You’re left with a sense that it’s not safe to display your emotions. This is unhelpful and damaging to your overall healing. Remember that in our society we’re taught that emotions are unpredictable, feared and need to be controlled.

They offer intellectual theories and want us to stay positive

Common intellectualizations include:

• “Thank goodness this happened before you had children.”
• “God will never give you more than you can handle.”
• “You’ll find someone else.”
• “There’s someone special out there for you.”
• “It’s better to have loved and lost than not loved at all.”
• “Be grateful you were married and knew love once.”
• “Now you are free to relive your teenage dreams of being single.”

These are awful platitudes designed to make you feel better. But they don’t! Intellectualizing the situation will not encourage your healing.
They have no idea what to say, so they change the subject or pretend to not hear.
When I was young I attended my best friend’s mum’s funeral. I felt so awkward. I was standing next to my friend, both of us in black and her face was a picture of despair and grief. We’d been playing dolls a week earlier and now I had no idea what to say. I stared at my shoes. I couldn’t wait to get out of the church and away from the coffin and her pain. I looked at her and cracked a joke, trying to lighten the atmosphere. She didn’t look up. She simply turned and walked away.
You’ve probably experienced this with one or 2 of your friends. When you talk about your divorce, they change the subject or, pretend not to hear you, or crack a joke. They do this because they love you, they want to make things better for you, but they have no idea what to do.
Understand their ineptitude!

They don’t want to talk about divorce

After a while you’ll realize that some of your friends and family simply don’t want to talk about your divorce and will encourage you to do things to ‘get over it’ so that hanging out with you is fun again.
The bottom line is: You need to talk. You need to be heard. You do not need fixing. There is nothing wrong with you or the fact that you’re emotional or struggling.

 

They are afraid of ‘catching’ this disease called divorce

 

I remember coming home after a night out with a girlfriend, feeling awful and deflated, like an insect that had been squashed and scraped across a pavement.

I had just recounted my divorce story (OK, it was the second time) but halfway through, she looked out the window, absorbed in her own world. I was shocked. Had I said something wrong? Was I boring her? Was she disinterested?
She then changed the subject.

While I sat listening to her rattling on about her cat, the conversation in my head went something like this:

• It’s OK for everyone that I feel the pain, but I cannot appear to be floundering
• I am expected to discuss the divorce with my friends only once (don’t overdo it as no one wants to hang around with a basket case).
• I mustn’t mope around because it’s not ‘healthy’. It also makes people feel awkward.
• But while falling apart I can’t seem ‘too happy’ either. That would brand me as ‘insensitive’ or ‘immature’.

I realized that I was alone in my divorce. I had ‘caught the disease’ called divorce and this made me persona non grata.
When I mentioned my ex husband’s indiscretions, I knew she was wondering about her own husband. I could see that all she wanted to do was go home to check that they were OK. (Months later she admitted this was the case.) I excused myself and gave her the opportunity to do that.

Friends are fantastic, but all have their own lives and issues. I was the only one that could help me.
I know my friend felt awkward. She wanted to help but didn’t know what to say. I remember the same feelings of inadequacy at my friend’s mother’s funeral.
Here are some common phrases that my clients have told themselves in the past or have heard others say:

Give your family and friends a ‘Weirdness Pass’

Give the people in your life a Weirdness Pass. This is a ticket allowing them to say weird or inappropriate things while you’re dealing with your divorce.
They don’t know any better and no one trained them how to deal with the situation.
NOTE: Remember not to take on board anything that they say. Remain aware of what they are saying, and of the myths and possible generalizations in their comments, to guard against becoming enrolled in their intellectualizations.

Till next time


Lots of hugs!

Cornerstones of Success

Remember the experiment that you did in the first or second grade? You take two plants and put them in a closet. One gets water and one doesn’t. You put two other plants on a windowsill in the sunlight. One gets water and one doesn’t. The only plant that survives will be the one that gets everything it needs: water and sunshine. Just water doesn’t cut it. Just sunshine doesn’t cut it. And of course, as every gardener knows, if you really want a healthy plant, you need to add the right amount of nutrients.
It is the same with the naked divorce – all 7 components work in tandem, supported by the naked divorce cocoon.

 

Component #1: The naked divorce cocoon – the backbone of the program

For the 21 day program, you need to build a support structure around you I call the naked divorce cocoon. Much like a caterpillar who has to be encased within a cocoon before it can transform into a butterfly, human beings need to have a structure to contain them before they can transform themselves.
The naked divorce cocoon is your rock, your foundation and support to return to whenever you feel life is getting on top of you. No matter what happens, you can return to the 7 aspects of the naked divorce cocoon which will help you feel safe and grounded once more.

 

Component #2: Managing your health, diet and hormones

The second component will support you in your healing work by ensuring you eliminate foods and drink which aggravate your hormones, interrupt your sleep patterns or interfere with your ability to concentrate. With the correct habits in place, your emotional highs and lows will normalize, your stress levels will decline and healing will be ethical and healthy for you.

 

Component #3: Harness your emotions in a positive way

People often avoid feeling their emotions by keeping busy or numbing them with alcohol or S.T.E.A.T.s. This is largely because inherently human beings fear emotions and are unsure of what to do with them. For most of us, we don’t understand our emotions, how they work, how to tame them or what we can learn from them. Additionally with the dawning of ‘Emotional Intelligence’ concepts in the workplace, we are encouraged to keep our emotions under wraps, be calm, peaceful and intellectualise them away.
Ignoring our emotions can lead to destructive and entropic disintegraton hence why it is curious to note that since the dawning of the ‘Emotional Intelligence’ age, the worldwide divorce rates have increased.
When there is healing to be done, emotions are our greatest teachers and if harnessed, emotions can carve out powerful new ways of being. Within the naked divorce, there is a structured process for how to listen to your emotions, work with them as partners and harness their power as a catalyst for transformation. Thy key is to keep your heart open whilst feeling your emotions and I will show you how to do that. Learning the techniques of working with your emotions can transform your life in many beneficial ways.

 

Component #4: Stay focused at work

It’s key to remain focused on your work and keep your head in the game. There are several techniques to follow to ensure that you have high energy and focus at work whilst at the same time you are being authentic in the processing of your emotions.

 

Component #5: Set yourself up for success

Maintaining a civil and courteous relationship with your ex is critical to the success of your divorce, especially if you have children. This component will give you some clear tips on ex etiquette whether or not you have children. Additionally there are also many ideas on how to support your children through your divorce.

 

Component #6: The naked divorce buddy

Every successful athlete has a coach, a buddy who is rooting for them from the sidelines. It is very tempting to burden your friends with your divorce troubles but as you will see within this section, those closest to you are often a hindrance to your healing without even knowing it. Bless them, they try their damndest but often because they love you, they will let you off the hook. What you really need is someone who will hold you accountable. Someone who will hold your hand and kick your butt if required. You will have an opportunity to choose your naked divorce buddy carefully.

 

Component #7: Commit to the structure of the program

It does not matter if it takes you 21 days or 21 months to complete the program, the most important point is do not skip any steps. There is an intended structure for following the naked divorce and skipping steps is you simply doing the program your own way. There is nothing wrong with doing that, but then do not expect the breakthrough results. For a complete transformation of your life and breakthrough results, I request you follow the structure of the program.

For some of you, this will mean surrendering to the structure of the program!

Failing to plan is planning to fail. It’s critical to plan for the naked divorce and ensure you have adequately prepared for the 21 days of work ahead of you. Clear your schedule, ensure you have the items on the shopping list and logistics list, clear your weekends. This component covers the preparation for the program so you ensure your success. Treat yourself like an athlete on this program, ensuring you have everything you need to guarantee success.

Considering being born again by changing back to your maiden name after divorce? Think again!

Now that you are divorced, you may have developed an allergy to your married name. However, before you run to the deed poll office or passport office to discard your old tarnished-self and restore yourself back to your maiden name: think again.
It’s more involved than you can EVER imagine…
The problem with your new name is – IT’s NEW.
No one knows you.
And when I mean no one – I mean the world out there (credit agencies, banks, lenders, airports, driver’s license authorities, health services and passport services etc.) doesn’t know YOU exist under this new name.
I was about to trudge off to the passport office one Tuesday and had even declared all across my Facebook network that I was
changing my name until the passport clerk asked me if I had any flights booked under my married name any time in the future. Dammit. Turns out I did. When I called the airline, it turns out my tickets were non-changeable and non-refundable. The clerk then asked me if I had a mortgage in my married name. Dammit. I sat in the corner growling whilst I casually made an enquiry with my mortgage lender. Apparently gracing my mortgage with my shiny new name would incur a £2450 charge for the privilege. Changing my mortgage would not only incur an
admin fee but it would impact my interest rate as apparently some actuary calculated that divorced was riskier than married. I would love to meet this individual and give him a piece of my mind. LOL.
After 6 hours in the passport office, several tears and a hefty mobile bill later, the passport clerk Lolly Taylor came over to me. She was
going on a break and said “Come with me Mrs Muzik, let’s have a coffee”.
Mrs Muzik. Am I actually expected to have this name forever? I WANT TO BE BORN AGAIN.
She explained that she saw this problem all the time and that women just were not told how complicated it was to change one’s name. She
said she even had people come back trying to reverse what they had done because the costs incurred in changing their names were unknown. She saw it as her personal duty to inform all these women before they pushed to be BORN AGAIN under their new identities.

She gave me some questions and considerations which I will share with you:

• Are your children keeping their married name and how will you feel about them having a different name to yours?
• How long have you worked in a particular place with everyone knowing you by your married name?
• Is your professional reputation built on your married name?
• Do your recruitment agents know you by your married name?
• How will you feel about explaining to colleagues and clients that they should now refer to you by your maiden name? Are you ready to have THAT conversation?
• Social networking sites – are you on them? Can you change your name with ease or do you need to reinvite everyone again?
• Do you want two identities? One for work and one for personal?
• Do you have any flights booked in the future in your married name? If you change your passport without changing your flight booking, it may impact your ability to leave the country on the said date
• When you change your passport, you will not be able to leave the country for a while whilst the change is being made (unless you pay the premium for the speed service)
• Is your mortgage in your married name? If you change it, is there an administrative fee associated with that?
• If you change your name, will the mortgage company assume you are divorced and thereby penalise you with an increase in interest rate?
• The costs – there are costs associated with changing passport, drivers license, registration details of your car and all assets you owe. You may need to get new passport photographs, take days off work to stand in queues to get things done. Have you priced that up?
• Insurance – your no-claims bonuses are all stored under your married name. Can you transfer those details across?
• You will systematically have to go through all of your mail and write a letter to change your name with every company you know
• You have to start at the right place (passport – so other name changes are easier)
• Be careful where u do use your maiden name – one day they may ask for ID then you don’t have it!

The thing is, you cannot half do it as this can cause issues. If your passport is in your maiden name but your driver’s license is not, it can cause problems for you in the future. Once you choose to change your name, you need to change it everywhere.
Telling the world that you are born again is a bit of a palava so allow me to assist in a small way with some memory joggers. These are some things to think about:

• Driver’s licence
• Vehicle permit and vehicle registration documents
• Health card
• Passport(s)
• Citizenship card
• Tax and National Insurance records
• Bank account(s) provided that “documentary evidence” of a change of name is provided
• Credit card(s) provided that “documentary evidence” of a change of name is provided
• Bills and anything with your address on it (go through ALL of your mail)
• All your internet log-in information and details. Keep track of these changes in a password file.
• Social media accounts (Facebook, LinkedIn, Twitter, etc.)
• Notify your friends, family and colleagues in an email or letter
•  

NOTE: Documents such as birth, marriage and educational certificates cannot be changed because these documents are “matters of fact”, which means that they were correct at the time they were issued.

Changing your name

 

Choose your new name carefully. Practice signing with it. Have a few people close to you call you by that name, and see how you like it. You can change your first name, middle name, last name, or all of the above. Just make sure your new name doesn’t imply “fraudulent intent” or is not in the public interest by:

• avoiding bankruptcy by pretending to be someone else
• violating a trademark
• using numbers or symbols (except Roman numerals)
• using obscene words

Contact the appropriate local government office to determine the rules and paperwork you’ll need to change your name officially. Get the forms to fill out, which typically include:

• a petition (sometimes called a ‘deed poll’) for change of name in the UK
• an order granting change of name
• a legal backer form
• a notice of petition to the public
• an affidavit of consent (if applicable)
• an affidavit of service of notification to authorities (only if you’re an alien, ex-convict or attorney)
• Get the forms notarized, or signed by court clerk.
• Make copies for your own records.

Submit your paperwork to the appropriate office.
Wait for approval. If your name change is not immediately approved, you may need to go to court and defend your reasons.
Put an ad in the newspaper announcing your name change. This gives the public a chance to object to your name change if, say, you owe debt under your current name. Some states allow you to simply post in a public place such as a designated bulletin board at the courthouse.
Fill out the affidavit and return it to the court clerk.
Wait for your Order Granting Change of Name, which will be your new I.D.
Take this with you to the Department of Motor Vehicles, the Social Security Administration, and the Bureau of Records or Vital Statistics in the state you were born so that you can get a new driver’s license, social security card, and birth certificate, respectively. You will have to go to the Social Security office before you go to the DMV. If your SSN doesn’t match your new name when you apply for a new driver’s license, they won’t issue it.

Some links which may help you:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Name_change

• United Kingdom http://www.ukdps.co.uk/AWomansRightsUponDivorce.html
• United States http://travel.state.gov/passport/correcting/ChangeName/ChangeName_851.html (Each state has different laws – check)
• Canada http://www.vs.gov.bc.ca/name/index.html
• South Africa http://www.home-affairs.gov.za/
• Australia http://australia.gov.au/life-events/changing-your-name
• New Zealand http://www.dia.govt.nz/Services-Births-Deaths-and-Marriages-Name-Change?OpenDocument

After two cups of coffee with Lavern and copious notes later, we determined that it is worth it to be born again under one’s maiden name – HOWEVER you have to surrender to the process. It’s about timing and patience. It’s a journey, not a overnight success story.

Good Luck!

The naked divorce Philosophy

The naked divorce philosophy is making the world of divorce a better place.


It might make us sound a bit like a Miss World contestant, but we want to leave things a little bit better than we find them. We strive to do business in a more enlightened way, where we coach people to take responsibility for their divorce and the impact they have on the world around them, and move these impacts from negative to neutral, or better still, positive.
Think of it as enlightened, collaborative or ethical divorce where you leave the relationship a better person – a healed person who learnt valuable lessons for the future.
It’s part of our quest to become a world-class transformational business, where we have a net positive effect on the wonderful world around us.

The naked divorce Core Essence is: 

RENEWAL - you leave the program with a renewed lease on life

The naked divorce Promise in everything we do is:

YOUR NEW LIFE – if you follow the steps of the program, you WILL have a new life

The naked divorce Guarantee:

The naked divorce programs are not about “satisfaction” – they are about changing your life forever, giving you a completely new perspective on life after divorce and a powerful response mechanism that allows you to bulldoze life’s problems with a thousand volts of energy and enthusiasm. Your life will be changed forever — that’s my personal assurance and money back guarantee.
That said, here’s what I’m going to do to make sure that you are totally happy: When you buy any of my products, you’ll have an entire year to use the program and change your life. At any point during the next year, if you are not completely blown away and if your life is not completely transformed — then just send me back the CDs and I’ll issue a full refund (please see the refund policy)


The naked divorce programs have been honed and perfected to have nearly a 100% success rate. Together with my complete one year return policy, you have everything to gain and absolutely nothing to lose.


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Dating After Divorce…

I’m often asked: ‘When is a good time to start dating?’
One of the difficulties women face when they’re ready to start dating is where and how to start. Starting too soon or for the wrong reasons is not going to help re-build your self-confidence or help you become open to new intimate relationships.
Let’s not overlook the fact that you may be the one who wanted the divorce because you were already in a relationship with someone else.
I suggest you start by simply getting together with friends or work colleagues for fun, relaxation and enjoyment.

• Be prudent - It pays to be wise and judicious when re-entering the dating game. Now that you’re newly single, try to establish balance in your life. You may be eager to date, but don’t forget to make time for yourself, your children, family and friends. Date if you feel ready. But don’t make it your life.
• Cultivate relationships with other single people – If you don’t already have single friends, find some. Your single friends will be a great resource because they’re the same situation; unattached and needing company. It’s easier to go out in a group and to meet people that way. And it always helps to have company when dealing with a new life situation.
• One date does not form a relationship – Not everyone you date will be interested in a second date and vice versa. It’s more challenging when you’re interested in a second date and your beau is not. But don’t let that deter you. You don’t want to waste your precious time in a cul de sac relationship. Neither should you let it get you thinking negatively about yourself. Move on to the next person and be willing to go through a process of elimination. Don’t take dating, or yourself, too seriously.
• Don’t come on too strong - If you were in a long-term marriage, you’re used to being part of a couple. Being single again is a huge adjustment. But be wary of the ‘couple habit’. Don’t let your need to be part of a couple make you come on too strong. You’re dating, not stalking, so be careful not to overwhelm any potential new partner.
• Don’t forget to respect yourself - Go slowly when it comes to sharing information about yourself with a date. Circumspection will convey a positive sense of self and create some mystery. So, keep the details to a minimum until you know they are worthy of hearing them. Do not pour out your divorce story. Divorce is an event in your life. It is not a permanent state of being. I still refuse to add ‘divorced’ on forms other than legal forms where it’s required
• Experiment - Approach the dating game with an attitude of openness and experimentation. You will not find Mr. Right on every date you go on but, keep an open mind and you will at least learn something new. And you might have a lot of fun.
• Try something new - Don’t box yourself in with the idea that you have a “type” that you are attracted to. Change those old thought processes, step outside your stereotypes and broaden your horizons. After a divorce, you may find you’re naturally attracted to a very different kind of man. And although first impressions count, just because you weren’t swept off your feet on the first date doesn’t mean this can’t happen later. This is life, not a movie.
• Never underestimate the power of flirting - Nothing is more fun and better for a woman’s self esteem than a little gentle flirtation. And nothing helps you connect to another person quicker than being playful. Be charming and delightful, show some vitality. Keep it light and festive, not deep and serious. But be wary of below-the-belt flirtation. The idea is to be light and breezy, not sleazy. Keep your mind in the moment and not on the long-term goal of falling in love.

Think of new places to meet men

• Highly recommended: Take up a new hobby, something that will stretch you, such as scuba diving, golf, sky diving, flying, mountain trekking, motorcycling or camping. Think of outdoor activities that attract men (a sewing class is not really appropriate). The men you meet in these circumstances won’t mind seeing you in thick hiking socks with fly-away hair, so there’s far less pressure on you. Your interactions will also be centred on mutual activities, so it’s a very relaxed and healthy way to meet new people and make new friends.
• Highly recommended: Personal development programmes – To me, this is one of the best places to meet men. I met my partner at an entrepreneurship course called Play2Win. I would never have thought that while I was focused on winning the game, I would actually meet an amazing man. It took me completely by surprise!
• Ask your friends to introduce you to their single friends
• Online dating - I think online dating is great. I don’t recommend classified advertisements as I don’t believe you can thoroughly vet someone new through this process, unlike online dating. If you’re careful, cautious and sensible, you’ll be able to start conversations with a number of people you probably wouldn’t meet in bars or clubs. The best part about online dating is that you simply start out chatting online. You aren’t dealing with anyone face to face and so rejection is not an issue. He doesn’t know your address or phone number and you aren’t under any obligations. These days, there are many online dating services available. You can take your pick. But be cautious. There are some strange people out there. Make sure you’re the one in control and never give out your address or phone number. If and when you choose to meet some cyber friend in person (don’t rush into it; take your time to get to know them online first), make sure it is in a safe environment and away from your home or workplace. Here are some online dating tips:
  • Be creative with your online dating profile so you highlight those aspects of yourself that are interesting and individual. Create a little mystery so that men will be curious to meet you.
  • Be honest in your profile and be honest about what you are looking for, whether it’s a short-term or long-term relationship.
  • Choose a recent photograph that shows you at your best. Do not alter your picture. Real men will want to meet real women.
  • When arranging to meet someone for the first time, always ensure you tell a friend where you’re going and arrange to check in with them at least once during the evening to let them know you’re okay.
• Speed Dating – This is great fun, a great laugh and a really fantastic way to get back into the swing of dating. But consider these tips first:
  • Ensure you go just for fun, with no expectations at all.
  • Go with your friends and make it a fun evening.
  • Dress well but don’t overdo it!
  • Before you go, list some questions to ask people.
  • Get up to speed with the latest news or think of some zippy conversation starters rather than the boring ‘So what do you do?’ line.
  • Know a bit about the venue.
• Dating agencies – I don’t have any experience with dating agencies. My only information is that they spend time matching you with the ‘right’ person. This is good but the drawback is that the service is costly.
• Singles holidays – Fantastic, particularly if you go with a good attitude: to have fun and meet new people. I would recommend choosing trips that are physically demanding as they will put you in a good frame of mind and give you something to focus on, rather than simply meeting a man. Think of a hobby that interests you, a pilgrimage, a new sport, a hike up Kilimanjaro perhaps. Revisit your ‘List of things to do before you die’ and choose a holiday you can take. I recommend that you go alone (yes, alone) to ensure you don’t hide behind a friend – and that you’re well out of your comfort zone. Think Shirley Valentine!

For more dating tips, visit the naked divorce YouTube channel on www.youtube.com/nakeddivorce.
Chat soon!

6 tips to unpacking your Emotional Baggage

Temporarily unavailable.

The Rebound relationship… To do or not to do…

I’ve known women who have started dating almost immediately after divorce. Others may enjoy what are known as ‘transitional sex partners’ These are usually people who become good friends and bed partners during the intervening period between divorce and falling in love again.
The important thing is to be clear about the boundaries of these relationships. If this works for you, enjoy it and have fun. You’re an adult and you can make your own choices.







To be clear on the nature of your new relationship, ask yourself:

• How soon did I get involved with this person after my marriage breakdown?
• How do I really feel about this person?
• Am I really interested in them or are they a distraction?
• Have I changed in order to attract this person into my life? Am I being myself?
• Am I still thinking about my ex and my former relationship?

Be aware of attracting rescuers while you’re healing

As we live, work and move we’re projecting an image and expressing energy all the time. Our sense of self and our energy change, constantly reflecting what we’re dealing with and experiencing in our lives.
When we’re passionate and creative and we’re making choices and decisions that match our life’s purpose and values, we project self-confidence, enthusiasm, joy and vibrancy towards life. Conversely, while we’re healing from divorce, the image and energy we project may well mirror a more dependent and fragile person who expresses less joy, passion and enthusiasm than we otherwise would.
The men you meet while you’re in a ‘compromised’ state may well be attracted to your vulnerability and that part of you that is needy and wanting to be comforted and cared for. This is a danger zone for relationships.
As you heal from the grief and loss precipitated by divorce and you begin to regain your personal strength, passion and joie de vive, the man who ‘signed up’ to take care of you may wind up feeling jealous, confused, and threatened by your ‘new’ independence. Within day 13 of the naked divorce for women book - we discuss the Drama Triangle and it’s impact so be wary of attracting rescuers during your time of healing.
Recovering from loss and heartache is an inside job. It is important to stay mindful of how you think, feel and respond to people and situations.
Become a good observer of yourself. Notice new attitudes, thoughts, feelings or beliefs that might be emerging. Have you learnt anything you’d like to integrate into your worldview or your way of being in the world? With friends and family? At work? In another love relationship?
Don’t attach yourself to any new acquaintances or friends who see you as less than you are.

What are the characteristics of a healthy relationship?

• Honesty and trust
  Giving real compliments
  Discussing problems
  Using ‘I’ messages to share feelings
  Asking for what we want, not expecting they owe it to us
  Admitting mistakes
  Asking (not accusing) each other about rumours
• Emotional respect
  Disagreeing without put-downs or threats
  Respecting their right to be safe and to control their own body and decisions
  Trying to understand their feelings, even if we disagree with their ideas
  Caring to find out their point-of-view
• Listening
  Asking what they think and how they feel
  Empathising by putting ourselves in their shoes; guessing what they feel
  Saying what we think we heard to check for understanding
  Asking what is important to them
• Freedom and encouragement
  We have the right to our own, and support each other’s rights to have, opinions, feelings, space, activities, friends and dreams
  Expressing fears, instead of claiming ownership, when jealous
  Either person can decide to break up
• Sharing activities
  Hanging out together sometimes
  Doing things each person enjoys
  Encouraging each other’s enjoyment and success
  Learning from each other
• Kindness
  Helping each other (while respecting our own limits)
  Giving gifts sincerely, not to get something back; the thought, not the money counts
  Showing our care through consistent respect (not abuse followed by apologies)
• Mutual affection
  Telling things that we like and appreciate about each other
  Each decides if, how, and when we want to be to touched; checking to ensure affection is mutual
  Respecting each other’s values, property, bodies, space and limits; stopping if one says ‘No’
• Shared decision-making
  Deciding things together, not ordering
  Negotiating differences
  Splitting costs fairly
  Searching for win-win solutions
  Whoever pays, no one owes anyone kisses, touching, or anything else

Trust yourself, you will know what to do! 

Sending you a big hug!

The Divorce Grieving Cycle…

Dear Girlfriend

I know when you are going through a divorce that the roller-coaster ride can ‘feel’ very extreme. It alternates between activity and passivity in the very human and desperate efforts to avoid the change triggered by the divorce.

The initial state before the cycle begins is often quite stable, at least in terms of the subsequent reaction on hearing the bad news. Compared with the ups and downs to come, even if there is some variation, this is indeed a stable state.

And then, into the calm of this relative paradise, a bombshell bursts. The cycle runs as follows:

The Naked Divorce Grieving Cycle

1. Denial
2. Anger and Betrayal
3. Panic and Negotiation
4. Humiliation, Fear of Failure or Looking Bad
5. Despair
6. Loss, Grief and Depression
7. Space & Nothingness
8. Acceptance
9. Responsibility and Forgiveness
10. Gratitude

Let me explain the stages in a little more detail. There is the initial ‘Shock’ stage which is an initial paralysis at hearing the bad news of the break up, this is followed by…

1. Denial stage: Trying to avoid the inevitable
2. Anger and Betrayal stage: Frustrated outpouring of bottled-up emotion
3. Panic and Negotiation stage: Seeking in vain for a way out. Making deals with ex
4. Humiliation, Fear of Failure or Looking Bad stage: gradually sinking into a spiral, feeling embarrassed and avoiding seeing people
5. Despair stage: Realization that something horrible is coming and you are strapped into the rollercoaster with nothing you can do
6. Loss, Grief and Depression stage: Final realization of the inevitable, surrendering to the grief
7. Space & Nothingness stage: Once you have grieved and grieved, experiencing loss and pain. There is a feeling of ‘nothingness’ – where you cannot cry anymore
8. Acceptance stage: Seeking realistic solutions and finally finding the way forward
9. Responsibility and Forgiveness stage: Taking responsibility for where you may have been responsible for the relationship not working out. Forgiving your ex and yourself for any failings you feel happened during the relationship
10. Gratitude stage: Transformational experience – learning from your divorce and seeing positives and negatives from the whole experience

Sometimes just understanding WHERE you are and that it is a process and that you will get through it, really helps. The important thing to keep in mind is that although the graph looks linear – you will bounce between the first 6 ‘stages’ many times.

If you would like to see where you are within the Naked Divorce Grieving cycle, take the How Hung up Are you Test. Click on http://www.nakeddivorce.com/How_Hung_Up_Are_You.html to find out more about taking the test.

Till next time, sending you a big hug!

Warning Signs that you are losing control during your divorce…

There are some important considerations to keep in mind when dealing with a life-altering change that is divorce. One of the big confidence boosts after divorce is an invincible feeling that you have survived change. However, it’s very important to watch what you are changing and at what pace you are making those changes.

Case Study: of one of my clients: Mary was often accused by her ex-husband as being boring. He was a very sporty guy and she was frankly a bit of a couch potato. Their divorce was acrimonious and Mary was left feeling that no one would ever want her. Rather than turning to a positive Naked Divorce and getting over her divorce and changing in a measured way, Mary decided to become GI Jane and took on a military fitness course – a highly physical training even though she hadn’t seen the inside of a gym in years. Needless to say she fractured her wrist in the first week.

After Sleeping on it, ask yourself: ‘Is this change measured, healthy, congruent and ethical for myself and others?’

The moral of the story is that Mary was trying to fix and change being boring in a very ‘crazy’ type of way.
 There is no issue with changing your life, but I strongly recommend adding a caveat to all changes by asking ‘Is this change measured, healthy, congruent and ethical?’

Tips for how to recognize when you are going over the top…

• You cannot believe what you are wearing, doing, eating or withholding from yourself
• You’ve become obsessed with your inner thoughts about your ex hearing of the ‘new you’
• You created the ‘new you’ to get your ex’s attention
• More than one friend or family member questions your ‘new look’
• You notice eyebrows rise as you walk in with your new look
• Your food bill has markedly increased or decreased
• You sense people are talking about you – perhaps at work and perhaps too much
• Other aspects of your life are taking second place to the new aspect of you

Exercise

Are there any drastic changes you are considering making? Notice what is driving you to make these drastic changes and After Sleeping on it, ask yourself: ‘Is this change measured, healthy, congruent and ethical for myself and others?’

WATCH THESE – if concerned, contact your doctor or a good friend today.

Sending you a big hug!

Avoid S.T.E.A.T.s during your divorce

The way you handle the aftermath of divorce is very important, as this story illustrates.

Imagine a child comes home from preschool with her feelings hurt by an interaction with a teacher. Mom asks: ‘What happened?’ The child responds tearfully that the teacher was mean to her.
Mom says: ‘Don’t cry. Here, have a cookie, you’ll feel better.’
For many of us, from an early age we’re taught, often by important figureheads in our lives that feelings can be fixed with food.
Eating the cookie, the child is distracted and forgets about the incident. However there is no completion of the emotional pain caused by the event.
The event and all feelings attached to it have been buried.

One thing to guard against is to ensure you are not avoiding dealing with your emotions by burying yourself in things which either numb the pain or distract you ongoingly. These are called: 

Short Term Emotion Avoidance Tactics

Don’t get me wrong, in the early days of your divorce, the S.T.E.A.T.s are probably the things which help you feel better in each moment. BUT the thing to be aware of is that it’s not feeling better for real – it’s a false sense of security – a false feeling of recovering. It fits into the false healing category.
Short Term Emotion Avoidance Tactics are things you do to avoid feeling the pain or to numb the pain or to take the pain away in the short term. They are often ‘escapism’ type activities where you keep SO focused and ‘busy’ that there is not time to think about how you are feeling or doing. If you fill your life up with lots of S.T.E.A.T.s, your healing will not progress.
The sad thing is that for most people who struggle to get over their divorce, they are engaging in a cycle of feeling the pain – applying a S.T.E.A.T. – feeling the pain – applying a S.T.E.A.T. etc. until over time they feel numb and they think this ‘numbness’ if them healed from their divorce.


 Other S.T.E.A.T.s include:

>>  Food
>>  Alcohol and drugs
>>  Excessive anger towards others
>>  Clubbing or partying
>>  Over-exercising
>>  Fantasy or escapism activities (books, TV, movies)
>>  Isolation
>>  Sex
>>  Shopping/retail therapy
>>  Work and becoming a workaholic
>>  Spending countless hours with your children under the guise of being a good parent but the actual agenda is using your children to help you feel better

The problem with Short Term Emotion Avoidance Tactics is that they are short term. They do not last, and they do not deal with the true emotional issue. S.T.E.A.T.s are distractions that either damage or delay the recovery process.


Exercise

>> Try to identify at least two examples of short-term relief you have used to displace your feelings. This is not as easy as it appears. It could be your first chance to demonstrate your commitment to total honesty in this recovery process.

Sending you a big hug!

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Top tips for how to behave at work whilst you are getting divorced

Keeping your career on track while coping with a divorce is like juggling eggs. You have to remain focused to continue performing. Falling apart is not an option. The naked divorce has been designed to provide a structure for your healing while you work and, if you have children, manage your family. In The naked divorce you will proactively tackle your healing every day, in the mornings, in the evenings and over weekends, so that your emotions do not ‘sneak up’ on you. The office is no place to give vent to your repressed feelings, but if that’s where you find yourself when a rage attack threatens, there’s an exercise at the end of this chapter that will help you remain calm and at peace. Etiquette for dealing with your boss and colleagues during your divorce   Some people find they need routine to carry them through a crisis. But the general rule of thumb when facing divorce is that you should take leave from work to gather yourself. Even three or four days will do. Not only will you need this time to be alone to think, but you’ll need privacy to do so. The comfort of routine is one thing, but be wary of throwing yourself into work as a distraction. Here are some pointers for handling your boss and colleagues: ¤  Firstly, tell your boss what you’re dealing with. Do this in a brief and matter-of-fact way. Ask for time off. Deal with any urgent matters that won’t wait until your return to office. If you need to, write a formal email or letter to your boss. Here is a suggested template: Subject: CONFIDENTIAL Dear Mary I regret to inform you that my husband and I are separating. Consequently, may I request a few days’ leave on compassionate grounds? I need to organise my living arrangements and ensure that my children are taken care of. In terms of my urgent accountabilities, may I suggest the following? 1. 2. 3. When I return I will endeavour to perform my duties to my best ability. Please keep this information confidential for the moment, as I would like the opportunity to tell my colleagues when the time is appropriate. I will be back at work on (fill in date) and appreciate in advance your patience and understanding. Kind Regards NAME ¤  If you have the option to work from home, do so. It’s easier to maintain professional integrity via email and remotely than to be around the colleagues and people you work with every day when you’re dealing with raw emotions. ¤  Inform the accounts department as soon as possible as your tax code may change. If you feel nervous about calling and aren’t feeling organised, prepare a list of things to communicate and email this through. Ensure that you include your current tax code in the email. ¤  When you return to work, be selective who you tell about your divorce and when you communicate with them. Avoid crying sessions with your colleagues in the bathroom. This is not easy to come back from! ¤  If possible, don’t discuss the details of your divorce with your colleagues. Even if they’re good friends, discuss details outside of work and only with those you know will not make your divorce the office gossip of the day. Having the details of your divorce batted about the office will only add to your stress. ¤  It’s very common to feel foggy and unclear during the first few weeks of a divorce, as your mind is preoccupied with feelings. It’s a good idea to write down all action points and notes from meetings so that you have a reference. Ensure you communicate clearly about what you are willing to take on and what timeframe you can commit to for those outputs. Add on 30% to your deadline as you won’t be your usual, productive self. ¤  Communicate very clearly with your boss about what they can and can’t count on from you. ¤  Make a point of taking a lunch break each day for a few weeks. Leave the office and take a walk. It’s important to take time out when you’re under severe stress. TIP: Take eye drops and good, soft tissues to work. If you find you need a good crying session in the bathroom, have the eye drops handy so that your emotional state is not overly obvious to everyone.  ¤  To remain calm at work drink a great deal of chamomile tea and use Rescue Remedy drops on a regular basis. ¤  A great way to remain calm and focused at work or to relax when heartbreak threatens to overwhelm you is to listen to the naked divorce Break Up Reboot. It’s a 26-minute audio recording (perfect for your lunch hour) designed to refocus your mind and realign the neurochemicals in your brain. Listening to it every day for 21 days will dramatically increase your healing process and make you feel good about yourself again. If you want to know more, go to this link: www.breakupreboot.com. Exercise for handling your emotions at work   When you feel you need to put your emotions aside to focus on your work, practise the following exercise. Cycle through the four ‘A’ words: ë  Be Aware of the emotion. ë  Accept the emotion. ë  Acknowledge your right to your emotion. ë  Act normal. This is how it works: When feeling overly emotional, first stop. Stop doing anything. Just sit. Be still. Breathe. Breathe long and deeply, right into your belly. Let the breath fill your lungs like the ocean surging up the shore. Breathe like this for 20 breaths. And if you cry, you cry J. Become aware of what is happening. A neurotransmitter in your body called Dopamine is what’s kicking around and making you feel crazy. This is what causes that ache within your body. It’s an uncomfortable feeling, but it will pass if you let yourself ‘be’ with it. Visualise. See the craziness as a puppy that has run off without a leash. Understand it and stop allowing it to control you. Allow the emotion to be just like a puppy bounding around inside your head. But don’t engage with it. Just notice it. Watch the puppy and stay calm. You know the puppy will tire soon. Notice its colour, texture and shape. Give that part of yourself that feels crazy a label, or a name: Red Dragon, or Mad Dog. See that craziness as not part of you. See yourself disengaged from it. Accept and acknowledge the craziness and anxiety. It’s there and it’s okay that it’s there. But see it as a visitor that will eventually leave. No matter how you’re feeling at that moment, behave normally. You know that the craziness will pass. Make yourself a hot water drink. Add some lemon and two teaspoons of honey to a cup of boiling water. Drink it slowly. With each sip, sense the craziness retreating, like a tide. Calm down. Take a walk outside if you can. Walk slowly and gracefully, as if you’re gliding. While walking, cycle through your five senses and ask yourself: What do I see, hear, touch, taste and smell? Keep the focus outside your mind and on what’s around you. Be vigilant about this. Remind yourself that there will be an opportunity to feel your emotions when you’re in a safe space later. Remind yourself that everything will be okay. Think of all the things that people have overcome in their lives. Think of someone who has overcome great obstacles to achieve greatness and beauty in their lives. This can be you. Sending you a big hug!

Are you out of touch with your emotions??

I notice with many of my clients that they are out of touch with their emotions – almost like the divorce has NUMBED them…

To remedy this, BUY A JOURNAL – CALL IT SOMETHING SPECIAL REPRESENTING THE NEW YOU – the you who has healed from the betrayal and who feels positive and amazing about her life…

With all your survival, you have stopped paying attention to how you are feeling and what you are feeling. My sense is you are a bit numb to how you are feeling. I want you to focus on how you are feeling and journal how you are feeling EVERY DAY for 14 days – you will be surprised by the results you will achieve by simply becoming aware of how you feel…

I feel…  (Circle the emotions which are most appropriate – at the end of the day, update the chart to see what other emotions you experienced during the day)




People spend a great deal of time talking about their feelings and about their emotions vs. actually processing them and feeling them. They attend workshops, they visit therapists, and they describe how they feel about it.  They talk and talk about their feelings but they don’t feel their feelings.  They intellectualize and analyze their feelings without feeling them.

To avoid this, ACKNOWLEDGE your emotions and your right to them. This is the beginning… The Naked Divorce program also has a solid structure for how to handle your emotions – watch this space!

Sending you a big hug!

Try these Simple Reframes on your Ex-relationship…

Think about your relationship from different points of view:

1. What are the generalisations you have made about yourself and your husband?
2. Now think of someone you admire (friend, mentor, character from history). Imagine he/ she is watching a movie of this part of your life and step into their shoes to watch it instead. What would their comments be?
3. Now imagine a completely neutral observer is watching the movie of your life. Step into their shoes and watch it from there – what do you notice about the interaction from this neutral perspective?
4. Notice the differences  seen from each point of view  – what do you notice?

Do this exercise with another person as well and message me to see what you have noticed…
For more tips and techniques/ exercises and cool stuff, please visit http://www.nakeddivorce.com/
Sending you a big hug

Postcards from the Edge...

I recently received a letter from someone who went through a very bitter and twisted divorce. She says she’s ‘over’ it and although she never talks to her ex is in a great relationship now with someone who hates his ex too.
Her question was about her concerns about whenever her ex talks about his ex, he talks about taking her ‘to the cleaners’ financially and his vengeance worries her. She also feels very closed down to her new guy and doesnt feel free to let him into her heart.
Here is an excerpt of what I wrote to her – maybe there is something for you to learn too?
………………
Thank your being honest with me – I appreciate straight talk.
You are right, I do give a shit about people. So, as requested I will therefore be bold and offer some coaching – its unsolicited so feel free to take onboard – as you wish
I will be honest with you and share that you are still carrying alot of pain and incompletion from your divorce and I am sorry for that. I can see you are very strong and resilient but a bit like a coconut – sometimes this strength is on the outside when on the inside there is a different picture.
I think because you are a survivor and you did the best you could at the time but i can also tell you didn’t allow yourself to feel too much emotion. I reckon the worst book EVER written was ‘Emotional Intelligence’ by Daniel whatisface.
Intellectualisation of emotions, closing down your heart and deadening of emotions can lead to a prickly and brittle disposition – a cynicism and inner anger. Not your fault – alot of powerful women suffer from this post divorce but its still there. Some aliveness was lost as a little flame within you got extinguished. This is what is sad. Yes u are tougher, but it’s also easy to spot you are divorced. This is why your friends tell you you ‘look’ divorced. The biggest compliment for someone of your character is to stop ‘being and looking divorced’ in your disposition because something else is possible for you. ‘Looking’ divorced is when you still carry the pain, bitterness and resentment with you – the paranoia, the hurt, the prickly feelings…

The path to healing?
1) FEELING emotions and allowing yourself to feel them again – many of us run away from our emotions BUT did u know that when fully experienced, no emotion lasts longer than 15 minutes before it morphs into something else…?
2) opening up your heart again
3) getting complete with your ex husband – not condoning what he did but letting him go with no animosity or hatred – I can give u an exercise for this if you would like to learn more…
4) being honest with your partner about your abhorence of his hatred towards his ex
5) supporting your partner in getting complete with his ex so you are both free and can be new and with both feet inside your relationship
After this, u will be free. Happy, carefree ‘you’ will return and inner conflict will subside.
So u have a choice: continue being tough chick who can handle it all and do battle and become more angry and bitter with time (whilst telling yourself you are over it) or walk into the valley and push yourself through the eye of the needle.
Whatever you choose to do, I am here to support you if u wish because you are worth it!
Sending you a big hug!

Divorce is a Unique Opportunity to Transform Yourself Completely…

Consider that instead of biding your time to get over your divorce or waiting for ‘time to heal all wounds’, you could use the intense force of this divorce and change in your life to your advantage…
Ilya Prigogine, who won a Nobel prize for Chemistry in 1977 is widely regarded as the Isaac Newton of our time. Essentially his work centered on a concept called PERTURBATION. Most systems found in nature are not in harmonious equilibrium because they are continuously subject to flux of matter and energy to and from other systems. In other words, things in nature are always changing.
Perturbation is the driving force behind evolution of organisms as it refers to the alteration of biological systems induced by external or internal pressure. If an organism experiences external pressure, it will reach a threshold of vibration where it one of two things will happen:

• The organism is ‘lucky’ enough to have a strong ‘container’ or cocoon which holds it in place while it reorders itself into something more complex so it can withstand the pressure and in so doing take on the properties of the pressure applied to it OR
• The organism is unfortunate to be left alone and will move to a state of chaos or disintegrate due to the pressure. This is called entropy.

Prigogine’s revolutionary work was adapted further into the field of human behavior through Marilyn Ferguson’s book ‘The Acquarian Conspiracy’. Her work explained  that how we handle changes thrown at us completely determines our transformation or disintegration.
My Story: I grew up in a town called Kimberley in my native South Africa. Kimberley is known for its diamond mines and kimberlite pipes. Whilst growing up, I became fascinated with how diamonds are formed as it was a natural marvel to me that something as dark and ugly as coal could transform into a brilliant diamond. I began to study these Kimberlite pipes and found that they are funnel-shaped and produced as a result of a volcanic eruption, a few hundred meters in diameter. They narrow with depth, becoming a narrow ‘container’ which extends deep into the earth’s crust. Thousands of diamonds are produced inside these Kimberlite pipes under extreme heat and pressure to the extent that Kimberlite pipes cause the single biggest deposits of diamonds worldwide.
So what does this have to do with your divorce?
Well, studying how nature works and how organisms evolve under great pressure gives us some insights into how human beings may transform under pressure too.
To explain more about how this impacts you dealing with your divorce, let’s look at the how dark ugly coal transforms into a brilliant diamond.

1. Coal (graphite) and diamond are of course both primarily carbon. For coal to become a diamond, the carbon atoms have to be re-arranged into a new pattern.
2. To change the atomic ordering of coal into a diamond requires high heat and high pressure (like try temperatures of over 1000 degrees Celsius and many thousands of atmospheres pressure).
3. To ensure the coal does not disintegrate in the process of this change or perturbation, it requires a very strong ‘container’ holding it together whilst this immense pressure and heat is applied or the coal will break up into dust.
4. If the coal is held together in such a strong ‘container’, the heat breaks down the current bonds to free up the carbon atoms, and energize them to bond in a tightly packed fashion…and voila – a diamond.
5. A Kimberlite pipe is just such a container and not only does it hold the coal together, it can handle a volcanic eruption which is so violent that it carries up coal fragments from the mantle fast enough that rapid cooling preserves the diamonds.

In the same way as coal is transformed into a diamond, this type of Perturbation exists for human beings as well. In all the corporate work I do with clients, I spend most of the time creating such a ‘container’ with people to help them adapt to change and hold their lives together in the process. In my experience, without a ‘container’ in place, the change usually goes very badly.
Similar to the immense heat or pressure being applied to the coal – Divorce is a very chaotic change and represents that huge heat being applied to your life right now.
If you don’t consciously create a strong Divorce Cocoon to hold yourself together, your divorce could literally break you up into pieces and eat away at your self confidence, esteem and possibly leave you bitter or full of resentment.
As Prigogine suggested, if an organism has a strong cocoon which holds it in place, it can reorder itself into something more complex so it can withstand the pressure. Much like a moth who transforms itself into a butterfly, the Naked Divorce is designed to create such a Divorce Cocoon which if followed, can support you to hold yourself and your life together whilst you withstand the heat and pressure from your divorce.
When you have this powerful foundation, you can withstand and USE the heat and pressure from this huge change in your life as a catalyst to transform yourself into anything you want to be – a diamond or butterfly. It also means you can heal faster. Through your transformation, you will take on the properties of the pressure applied to your life in the form of being stronger and you extend our ability to take on difficult challenges because of who you will become as a result of your divorce.
the Naked Divorce uses the premise of Perturbation to create transformation in your life.
‘What doesn’t kill you, CAN REALLY make you stronger…’

TIP: Make use of this heartbreak, this pain, this Perturbation which has thrust you into a hurricane or forest fire. This is a unique opportunity to grow, develop and become the person you always wanted to be…

Interesting stuff hey?
Till next time…