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Wednesday, December 17, 2014
Tuesday, December 16, 2014
One of my clients was so traumatized by something brutal which happened in her life. She dealt with it by swallowing everything down, including alcohol, drugs and just numbing herself.
Many would say she 'chose' her path of destruction
In life this word 'choice' always gets tossed about. Perhaps too much. How we always have a choice in everything we do. How everything we do is our choice.
I believe that on one level but I am beginning to think that true choice is something which becomes available when you’re on the higher echelons of Maslow's hierarchy of needs;
You need to be able to think straight to truly 'choose'
Otherwise we’re just reacting and stumbling along. The thing about being in survival is you go back to basics and consequently have no true 'choice' because you’re just existing to survive. You can't think properly and operate robotically.
Suddenly all you feel you can focus on is getting the basic needs of physiology and safety; sleep, food, sex, homeostasis, safety of body, safety of employment.
All those old stuck emotions keep you held down, unable to rise above survival mode or think beyond it. When you don’t face those emotions and work to release them permanently you’re just stuck struggling to deal with them day by day, while also trying to operate a normal life and survive.
Everything beyond that is way out of your reach, and beyond your choice to have in your life.
Without releasing all those old stuck emotions, you can't choose a different path consciously. You can't just 'switch' off anger, deadness, and coping mechanisms to just be full of happiness or possibility.
Your unconscious mind is driving you blindly
Although you may consciously recognize that you’re on a self-destructive, unfulfilling path away from real healing, you don’t have the choice to get off it without taking the difficult step first to release all the crap that’s holding you there.
So your unconscious mind is robotically taking over and trying to get you through the day. And without any understanding of a real strategy for release and long term healing, your unconscious mind is pushing you to deal with the pain and stuck emotions the only way it knows how – with short term escape tactics.
For my client this was drugs and alcohol among other things.
How to release and escape the cycle
But my client has now been doing this incredible catharsis release process we designed and what is now there is pure sadness and compassion – for herself, others and her family.
She now has a choice!
A choice to take a different path and heal herself. To move beyond this kind of destructive survival mode and cycle, and towards happiness and possibility once more.
And she got there by taking that first bold step and facing those old stuck emotions head on, following our carefully developed release process.
Are you stuck in a similar place?
I’d love to help.
Sunday, December 14, 2014
In a recent article for the Daily Mail, Kate Mulvey bemoans the fact that as she approaches 50, she is not yet married, putting this down to the fact that men are unable to cope with a woman 'outshining' them. She refers to recent research confirming this, saying 'I have lost count of the times men have rejected and insulted me simply because I was brighter, wittier or cleverer than they are.'
In her article, Kate talks about several occasions when her partners (for she seems to have had many), have reacted negatively when she has demonstrated her superior knowledge or intellect. She is 'convinced that the reason I am still booking a table for one..[is] because men are so threatened by my intelligence.'
Kate outlines her academic prowess, including having breezed through university, stressing how she continues to enjoy learning, and how she is keen to flex [her] intellectual muscles, and to never let a man get the last word just because of his sex. Kate concludes that it's necessary to become a giggly man-pleaser in order to have a successful relationship, and is unwilling to sell-out by doing so.
Fair enough Kate, but I am not sure if your assessment of why you are single is accurate...
I don't think men are threatened by you, I think men feel emasculated around you so don't like the way they feel about themselves when with you, so they leave you...
I agree that it's not necessary to conform to some stereotypical view of a submissive doormat, who flutters her eyelashes and simpers, because it's impossible to attract a man otherwise BUT I also think shoving your superior knowledge or intellect in their faces is not going to win any relationship points.
Consider what makes a fulfilling and positive relationship. What do most people, male or female, look for in a relationship? Of course, there are many answers to this, and what makes one person happy in a relationship may not make another person feel the same. However, at the heart of any strong relationship is the concept of mutual love, support and respect, and the idea of your partner wanting the best for you, and helping you to be the best that you can be. No-one feels happy in a relationship where one partner is so concerned to demonstrate their capability or strengths, that they don't take their partner's feelings into consideration.
The sad thing is I SEE SO MANY WOMEN LIKE KATE WHO DO THIS. They then blame the men for being threatened!! Ladies: showing a constant need to be the best, or always wanting the last word, is not a good way to communicate care and respect for your man. For a relationship to deepen and strengthen over time, it needs to be carefully nurtured and nourished, by letting him know that he is the most important person in the world to you, and that you care about how he feels. Continually undermining him, or competing with him, will exhaust him and damage and end your relationship.
Here are some sure fire signs that you emasculate men:
- Ask him for help, then either criticise what he did, redo it or do it your way
- Fight and shout in scream in public
- Call him names in front of other people or mock him in public in ANY way, shape or form
- Belittle what he does for a living
- Mother him
- Flirt with his friends in front of him
- Tell him another guy could do it better
- Straighten his tie or preen his clothes for him in public (like his mother used to do)
- Pat him on the head in public
- Never praise anything he does, just criticise
- Nag and nag ang nag him shouting instructions at him to do x,y or z
- Belittle his manhood
- Micromanage his every move
- Tell him you will pay for things all the time or ASSUME that he cannot pay his own way
- Embaress him by giving him bigger presents than he gives you
- Nothing he does is ever good enough
- Go on and on about how clever you are
- Laugh at him mockingly often
- Make his salary an issue
What makes a great relationship? When both of you feel like the best person of yourselves when together. Most men I know have no problem with a highly intelligent woman - on the contrary: they look for them. BUT when a highly intelligent woman is also arrogant, haughty or emasculating to be around - most men will run a mile.
If a couple lays a foundation of mutual support, encouragement and respect, this builds confidence in the relationship. True love is demonstrated by the willingness to compromise occasionally, and a genuine concern to act with their best interests at heart. You will not want to hurt or embarrass your fella, especially in public. Choosing not to outshine your man on occasions, (even if you could), is not selling out. You simply recognise that consideration for his feelings is far more important to the health of your relationship. A man who truly feels loved and valued will not want to leave.
SO, if you are forever single, serially dating and being dumped and 50+ and have been telling yourself that you are just too smart and intelligent for all the men out there - stop. Take a look at yourself. Has your positive sense of self turned your arrogant and do you emasculate the men around you? If so, then come and do the Naked Divorce program and get to the source of why you keep pushing great guys away and sending most men running a mile. As you are the common equation in each relationship you have ever been in, it might be time to look deeper at what you can be responsible for.
Till next time
Lots of hugs
Friday, December 12, 2014
Learning how to move on from a break up can be tough. If it wasn't your choice, or perhaps it happened in a painful way, it's tempting to dwell on your ex and what they are doing. But this is damaging. It stops your emotional healing and prevents you from moving on. However, change can only happen if your make a conscious decision to focus on yourself, and take some practical steps towards changing your mindset.
First things first
Set your alarm ten minutes early, and give yourself a talking to before you get out of bed. Sally describes how she did these in the early stages of her divorce:
'I knew if I chose to stay in bed even once, I would crumble completely. So each morning I spent a few minutes telling myself was strong and I could cope. This made all the difference to how I approached my day.'
Make a conscious decision that today you will focus on yourself, not on your ex.
Plan some treats
Focusing on yourself takes planning. By planning lovely things, you can focus on those when you find yourself starting to dwell on your ex. Sit down and plan daily, weekly, and monthly treats in advance, and perhaps even a big treat for next year. Daily treats could be a scented bath or a cycle ride . Each week arrange to meet friends e.g. enjoy a meal together or shoot some hoops (but remember, talking about your ex is off limits!). Monthly treats could be a theater visit or a camping trip. And maybe book a holiday to somewhere you have always dreamed of visiting.
Channel your hero
Think of someone strong and self-confident – this could be a real person, or a fictional character or movie hero. Now imagine you are that person for a day. Whatever happens that day, tackle it as that person. Act strong and confident, and in time you will feel strong and confident. Consider your posture; walking tall and purposefully will give you a boost. Smile often, even if you don't feel like it. Smiling releases endorphin lowers blood pressure and boosts your immune system. Become the person you want to be.
Focus on the new you
Becoming newly independent is a fantastic opportunity to reinvent yourself. What have you always wanted to do but never been able to, perhaps because your ex held you back? Find a more creative job? Take a study course, but knew it would take too much time away from your ex? Well now is your chance so grasp it with both hands. There will never be a better time.
Practice mind control
It takes effort to refocus your mind. The old adage says if you try NOT to think about a green monkey, all you will think about is a green monkey. So practise mind control. Imagine each thought about your ex is like a fish – every time one swims into your mind, scoop it back in the sea. Deliberately think about one of your treats or new goals instead. If your mind wanders, don't beat yourself up. Give yourself a shake and start again.
Change doesn't happen overnight, but little by little you will find you are moving ahead and leaving your ex behind. If you get stuck, you know where we are :)
Till next time
Lots of hugs
Thursday, December 11, 2014
Wednesday, December 10, 2014
How can you give so much but feel so empty and angry?
Because if you’re a martyr, you’re selfish and you’re not giving freely.
You tell others you are, but you’re not. And because of this you’re suffering in silence… and causing it all yourself.
The motivation of a martyr is to sacrifice themselves for someone else or for a cause – in their relationship, family, friends, work, a cause, or any area of life.
They give give give to feel like a good person. And they tell others they give freely.
But that is a lie
They don’t give freely. They expect something in return and when they don’t get this thing in return they feel empty, tired and angry.
And they don’t let out the anger – because they’re “giving freely” and shouldn’t expect anything in return, right? – So of course it comes out as passive aggression.
Does any of this sound uncomfortably familiar? I see it so often. And if you’re a little bit of a martyr (or maybe a lot) I’ve got some good news for you. You can turn the whole pattern round and let go of the disappointed expectations, anger, tiredness and passive aggression for good. Starting TODAY.
Time to Take Your Power Back
Here’s the key to getting over being a martyr. Remember YOU chose that behaviour. YOU chose to ‘give’. YOU chose to sacrifice yourself. YOU chose it. No one else.
And you forgot that you chose it and now you’re upset when you get nothing in return.
The moment you realise that you chose to sacrifice yourself for someone else, or for a cause, or for your work then you can also choose to stop doing it and take your power back. And you can do it NOW.
Firstly, you have to accept that some beliefs you’ve been living with for years – perhaps your whole life – are just plain wrong. And that can be tough. For example;
Suffering is Not Always Rewarded
Start analyzing exactly what you think to gain every time you sacrifice yourself for someone else. Do you hope to gain respect, a feeling of value, nobility? Or a return favour?
Or does a sneaky feeling of unidentifiable guilt lie behind it? Or undeservedness? Are you trying to prove yourself a good person to yourself, or your parents, or your concept of God?
Remember, all the happiness and richness you can get out of life will not come from someone else, it will come from YOU. By going out and getting it.
Suffering does not lead to joy. If you’re in doubt of this, just think back to when you were young. How easy does a child find it to be happy – without suffering for others. Imagine a child sacrificing everything they want to other children just in the hope the other kids will pay them back and make them happy somehow one day. It’s ridiculous!
Martyrs Are Actually Extremely Selfish
When someone gives a compliment spontaneously and sincerely they’re doing a lovely thing for the other person. When they give a compliment just because they’re fishing for one themselves, well that’s just unpleasant, needy and selfish. Don’t you think?
It’s the same with any sacrifice where you secretly expect something in return. When you give something to someone purely 100% to help them in that moment it’s a lovely gesture for both parties. But when you want something in return, well, you should make sure you say that clearly, because;
Mind-Readers Don’t Exist!
No one can read your mind, and no one knows of these secret deals you’re setting up with them when you sacrifice yourself for them. No one knows of these unfulfilled obligations building up over time the more you “give give give.”
And if they did know that everything you were “giving” came with a debt, they probably wouldn’t accept your sacrifice!
Your Action Plan – Quit Martyrdom and Become Selfless Once More
Firstly, examining your beliefs. And be brutally honest with yourself.
And start setting boundaries and enforcing them with a steel hand;
When you want to say ‘No’… SAY ‘NO’
Don’t be afraid to change the way you act, and the way others will see you. When you start saying ‘No’ others will respect you more, trust me. And when your passive aggression towards them disappears, they’ll love it as much as you do.
And of course, take responsibility for everything in your life. You caused it all. When you accept this, it’s a wonderfully empowering feeling.
Tell me what you think about Martyrs. Are YOU secretly one?
Do share, I want to hear it!