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Friday, December 26, 2014

Flying off the handle ladies? We have just the thing for you this Xmas!

Christmas cards sent? Check. All the presents bought? Check. School nativity attended? Check. Congratulations. Now you only have to wrap and deliver all your presents, do the food shopping, finish putting up the decorations and cook a perfect meal for 12 people on Christmas Day. Is it any wonder that occasionally things don’t go to plan and we can end up feeling volcanic with rage?

Why are women getting so angry?

A recent article in the Daily Mail highlighted the concern many women feel about their difficulty in managing their anger. Lisa describes how she threw her son’s schoolbook across the room when running late for school, entrepreneur Charlotte outlines how even small things can trigger a furious outburst, and sculptor Sally explains how she lost multiple jobs because of her angry tirades. There are many suggestions for the rise in the number of women who feel their anger is out of control, including the pressures of working and running a home, dealing with stress at work, life-changing events such as divorce, or long-hidden trauma.

Why do women feel the need to control their anger?

Traditionally, there has been an unwritten expectation that women should overcome their feelings and maintain an unruffled appearance; think of the oft-quoted reference to the swan, who appear serene as it glides along the river, but is paddling furiously underwater. Women have been led to believe that expressing your emotions outwardly is damaging, and that it’s important to protect others from your ‘unreasonable’ behavior. But is this true?

The science of anger

Evidence suggests that continually repressing emotions has a serious impact on our health. Dr Deepak Chopra’s theory of ‘cellular healing’ states that cells store phantom memories which are retained when they regenerate, leading to physical problems. However, people who had survived serious illness could access this cell memory and release the negative emotions, ensuring that new cells remained unaffected. Research by Dr Candace Pert shows that repressing emotions releases chemicals which blocks cell receptors, causing potential long-term damage, whilst expressing emotions keeps receptors open.

How can we release our anger safely?

Hurling the crockery at your partner is unhealthy as well as expensive. What you need is a secure environment to let your anger out without causing distress to those around you. If you have trouble controlling your anger, then Tantrum Club is just what you need. Designed exclusively for women, you can scream your frustration, yell about your anger, and even indulge in a therapeutic session of hitting a beanbag with a baseball bat, all designed to give you a chance to express your anger safely. New clubs are springing up around the country, and there is also a telephone helpline where you can vent your fury without causing a major incident at home or work.
So when the hustle and bustle of Christmas all seems too much, and your mother-in-law has criticized your cooking once too often, why not take yourself off to Tantrum Club and let it all out safely?
Till next time, lots of hugs..

Tuesday, December 23, 2014

7 Reasons Your Bad Divorce Etiquette is Stopping Your Recovery

Four days into my divorce I hadn't eaten for three days, I’d been in my tracksuit for 36 hours straight and had chain-smoked 40 cigarettes – and I’m not even a smoker.
A huge pile of laundry lay on the couch waiting to be ironed, and used tissues were everywhere. The house was in absolute chaos, I ddidn'tfeel like doing anything.
I was so uncomfortable in my own skin. The pain felt unbearable, I just wanted to feel normal again.
I’d read 27 books on breaking up in two weeks. I’d spoken to two therapists. I had spoken to a counselor. I’d listened to music. I listened to a personal development CD. I spoke to friends. Nothing helped. I was going crazy!
Are You Feeling the Same Way?
The truth is, without the faintest understanding of divorce etiquette, I had no idea how to deal with myself and my emotions, my ex-husband and others around me.
I had no idea even where to begin, and my lack of knowledge was taking me on a steep downward spiral away from recovery.
Finally, my deep pain and trauma served as a catalyst to taking action. And I created my own structured system for recovery using my skills as a corporate change specialist – now of course the 21-Day Divorce Angel system.
Key to this was learning and understanding good divorce etiquette, which gave me the strength, belief and strategy to follow the recovery steps with power and decorum, and get back to a happy, normal life.

Seven Reasons You Need Good Divorce Etiquette

1. You’re unable to follow a strategy for recovery
Without adopting the right etiquette and code of conduct, you can’t separate yourself from the bitter and twisted version of yourself you could become if you allowed yourself to descend into self pity or loathing of your ex.
And even when you find and believe in a real strategy for recovery, your anger, panic or eratic emotions will short-circuit and sabotage your best efforts to walk out of this with your head held high.
2. Your judgment is poor, and you can’t see nonsense advice for what it is
Without strong, proven divorce etiquette to make you feel anchored in reality, you won’t trust your own judgment, and you’ll believe all types of contradictory advice thrown at you by well-meaning friends and authors.
Like ‘don’t cry, there are plenty more fish in the sea, time heals all wounds, you must stay active, don’t mope about, be strong for your children / mother / brother.’ All of which are unhelpful and even damaging myths.
3. You’ll check out, instead of feeling and facing your emotions
Without knowing how, facing your emotions can seem terrifying. And if you check out instead, as many do, you won’t be able to recover at all.
Correct divorce etiquette allows you to face your emotions with some certainty, strategy and decorum. Knowing there’s freedom and recovery on the other side.
4. You’ll deal with your ex in an unhealthy way
It’s so important how you deal with your ex. The right plan and code of conduct will give you a structure to minimize contact without going cold turkey, and work towards understanding, forgiveness and even one day friendship – for your true peace of mind and recovery.
Without the right etiquette many also get drawn back to having sex with their ex, which doesn’t help you in any way to get a clean break and closure.
5. Your kids, and others in your life, will suffer
You need a game plan and a great deal of personal strength to deal with your kids in a way that leaves them unharmed by the experience.
Also, dealing with your friends and family – especially with the clumsy and strange ways they speak and act around you – is so important to saving your relationships while you recover.
6. Your career will suffer
Keeping your career on track while coping with a divorce is like juggling eggs; you have to remain focused to continue performing, and falling apart is not an option.
With work, knowing the right etiquette is all-important. Without it, your life will be so much worse when you finally do recover.
7. Your next relationship will fail too
A shocking 56% of second marriages end in divorce, and 72% of third marriages fail too. But if you follow the right steps, code of conduct, and process your divorce properly, you’ll be able to move onto a fulfilling, loving, happy relationship that lasts.
It’s easy to get trapped in a never-ending cycle of self-help break up books, therapists and counselors. But when you feel the power and hope that comes with knowing the right strategy and etiquette, and having the right support, then you’ll be focused on real recovery as quickly as possible. No more messing or moping around.
Contrary to what most therapists will tell you, recovering from your divorce should take weeks, not months and years.
Take your first step to a happy, fresh new life today.
Download my free eBook, with in-depth step-by-step guidance on The Etiquette of Divorcefrom https://www.facebook.com/Divorce.Club/app_190322544333196

Wednesday, December 17, 2014

Stop Saying ‘I’m Fine’ When You’re NOT

Are you always saying “I’m fine” and resisting support?
It’s so interesting that the people who struggle the most and need the most help in life, usually don’t see it. They’re the people who push help and support away.
They think needing support is weakness. That even admitting you need help is weakness.
Do you know someone like this? Perhaps you know someone like this rather… intimately?
If you do, here’s news for you:

Winners Get Help!

And they always do. Quickly, when they need it. Without complaining. And without caring one little bit about how they’re perceived for asking for support. 
Those self-aware people enjoying success in life notice when they need help sorting something out. When things don’t work out they say, ‘Woah, I need to get my head straight and because I am in my own head, I probably need some help with that.’
They then get up and go get help and just like that, they’re back in their mojo. Loving life once more. They even build a whole Dream Team of support people in their corner.
And they do it because they know they’re responsible for everything in their lives. And they avoid the common mistake in thinking I see so often among (usually very intelligent) ‘I’m fine’ people…

Stop Looking Outside Yourself for a Magic Bullet Solution

I see this pattern so often. People who think their issues in life are outside of themselves.
They think if they can just change their circumstances, their financial situation, their weight or their job, or the people around them then BOOM everything will suddenly fall into place and their life will work out.
The truth is circumstances and the people around us have nothing to do with our lives being good or bad. Our mindset, attitude and inner world absolutely shapes our outcomes in the world around us.

It’s All On You – You Are the Cause

If life ain’t working out for you, or you keep attracting drama/chaos/issues, or are just perpetually unhappy, then you have something to do with that. You, and only you.
We cannot control what happens to us in life but we can control how we react. It’s all about our mindset and our inner landscape, which shapes our outcomes.
The bottom line – we are responsible for the results we achieve in life. We have everything to do with how our lives turn out. And those who know this fact are self-aware and are usually the ones happy and enjoying success.

If You’re on an Island You’re Probably Drowning

The ones that say they never need help but continue complaining, staying on their islands being ‘fine’ are usually the ones sinking and drowning in a pit of despair.
There’s a misunderstanding that seeking support somehow makes you weak. Successful people have no concern about how they’re perceived – they simply focus everything on being empowered and driving forward.
They look at themselves, get into action, do whatever it takes. And successful people have their Dream Team to support them through everything.

Your Challenge – One Whole Day, NO COMPLAINING

Here’s my challenge to you. Firstly, take on the ‘No Complaints Day’ challenge. For one whole day you are not allowed to complain in any way, shape or form. Sounds easy? Try it. It might be the most revealing day of your life.
Secondly, start building your Dream Team of support around you. Stop saying ‘I’m fine’ when you’re not, and start saying ‘Can you help me please?’
And tell me what you discover. I’d love to hear it!

Tuesday, December 16, 2014

Are You Choosing Your Life Or just Surviving?

One of my clients was so traumatized by something brutal which happened in her life. She dealt with it by swallowing everything down, including alcohol, drugs and just numbing herself.

Many would say she 'chose' her path of destruction

In life this word 'choice' always gets tossed about. Perhaps too much. How we always have a choice in everything we do. How everything we do is our choice.
I believe that on one level but I am beginning to think that true choice is something which becomes available when you’re on the higher echelons of Maslow's hierarchy of needs;

You need to be able to think straight to truly 'choose'

Otherwise we’re just reacting and stumbling along. The thing about being in survival is you go back to basics and consequently have no true 'choice' because you’re just existing to survive. You can't think properly and operate robotically.
Suddenly all you feel you can focus on is getting the basic needs of physiology and safety; sleep, food, sex, homeostasis, safety of body, safety of employment.
All those old stuck emotions keep you held down, unable to rise above survival mode or think beyond it. When you don’t face those emotions and work to release them permanently you’re just stuck struggling to deal with them day by day, while also trying to operate a normal life and survive.
Everything beyond that is way out of your reach, and beyond your choice to have in your life.
Without releasing all those old stuck emotions, you can't choose a different path consciously. You can't just 'switch' off anger, deadness, and coping mechanisms to just be full of happiness or possibility.

Your unconscious mind is driving you blindly

Although you may consciously recognize that you’re on a self-destructive, unfulfilling path away from real healing, you don’t have the choice to get off it without taking the difficult step first to release all the crap that’s holding you there.
So your unconscious mind is robotically taking over and trying to get you through the day. And without any understanding of a real strategy for release and long term healing, your unconscious mind is pushing you to deal with the pain and stuck emotions the only way it knows how – with short term escape tactics.
For my client this was drugs and alcohol among other things.

How to release and escape the cycle

But my client has now been doing this incredible catharsis release process we designed and what is now there is pure sadness and compassion – for herself, others and her family.

She now has a choice!

A choice to take a different path and heal herself. To move beyond this kind of destructive survival mode and cycle, and towards happiness and possibility once more.
And she got there by taking that first bold step and facing those old stuck emotions head on, following our carefully developed release process.
Are you stuck in a similar place?
I’d love to help.

Sunday, December 14, 2014

If forever single and 50+ - are you a woman who emasculates men?

In a recent article for the Daily Mail, Kate Mulvey bemoans the fact that as she approaches 50, she is not yet married, putting this down to the fact that men are unable to cope with a woman 'outshining' them. She refers to recent research confirming this, saying 'I have lost count of the times men have rejected and insulted me simply because I was brighter, wittier or cleverer than they are.'
In her article, Kate talks about several occasions when her partners (for she seems to have had many), have reacted negatively when she has demonstrated her superior knowledge or intellect. She is 'convinced that the reason I am still booking a table for one..[is] because men are so threatened by my intelligence.'
Kate outlines her academic prowess, including having breezed through university, stressing how she continues to enjoy learning, and how she is keen to flex [her] intellectual muscles, and to never let a man get the last word just because of his sex. Kate concludes that it's necessary to become a giggly man-pleaser in order to have a successful relationship, and is unwilling to sell-out by doing so.
Fair enough Kate, but I am not sure if your assessment of why you are single is accurate...
I don't think men are threatened by you, I think men feel emasculated around you so don't like the way they feel about themselves when with you, so they leave you...
I agree that it's not necessary to conform to some stereotypical view of a submissive doormat, who flutters her eyelashes and simpers, because it's impossible to attract a man otherwise BUT I also think shoving your superior knowledge or intellect in their faces is not going to win any relationship points.
Consider what makes a fulfilling and positive relationship. What do most people, male or female, look for in a relationship? Of course, there are many answers to this, and what makes one person happy in a relationship may not make another person feel the same. However, at the heart of any strong relationship is the concept of mutual love, support and respect, and the idea of your partner wanting the best for you, and helping you to be the best that you can be. No-one feels happy in a relationship where one partner is so concerned to demonstrate their capability or strengths, that they don't take their partner's feelings into consideration.
The sad thing is I SEE SO MANY WOMEN LIKE KATE WHO DO THIS. They then blame the men for being threatened!! Ladies: showing a constant need to be the best, or always wanting the last word, is not a good way to communicate care and respect for your man. For a relationship to deepen and strengthen over time, it needs to be carefully nurtured and nourished, by letting him know that he is the most important person in the world to you, and that you care about how he feels. Continually undermining him, or competing with him, will exhaust him and damage and end your relationship.
Here are some sure fire signs that you emasculate men:
  • Ask him for help, then either criticise what he did, redo it or do it your way
  • Fight and shout in scream in public
  • Call him names in front of other people or mock him in public in ANY way, shape or form
  • Belittle what he does for a living
  • Mother him
  • Flirt with his friends in front of him
  • Tell him another guy could do it better
  • Straighten his tie or preen his clothes for him in public (like his mother used to do)
  • Pat him on the head in public
  • Never praise anything he does, just criticise
  • Nag and nag ang nag him shouting instructions at him to do x,y or z
  • Belittle his manhood
  • Micromanage his every move
  • Tell him you will pay for things all the time or ASSUME that he cannot pay his own way
  • Embaress him by giving him bigger presents than he gives you
  • Nothing he does is ever good enough
  • Go on and on about how clever you are
  • Laugh at him mockingly often
  • Make his salary an issue
What makes a great relationship? When both of you feel like the best person of yourselves when together. Most men I know have no problem with a highly intelligent woman - on the contrary: they look for them. BUT when a highly intelligent woman is also arrogant, haughty or emasculating to be around - most men will run a mile.
If a couple lays a foundation of mutual support, encouragement and respect, this builds confidence in the relationship. True love is demonstrated by the willingness to compromise occasionally, and a genuine concern to act with their best interests at heart. You will not want to hurt or embarrass your fella, especially in public. Choosing not to outshine your man on occasions, (even if you could), is not selling out. You simply recognise that consideration for his feelings is far more important to the health of your relationship. A man who truly feels loved and valued will not want to leave.
SO, if you are forever single, serially dating and being dumped and 50+ and have been telling yourself that you are just too smart and intelligent for all the men out there - stop. Take a look at yourself. Has your positive sense of self turned your arrogant and do you emasculate the men around you? If so, then come and do the Naked Divorce program and get to the source of why you keep pushing great guys away and sending most men running a mile. As you are the common equation in each relationship you have ever been in, it might be time to look deeper at what you can be responsible for.
Till next time
Lots of hugs

Friday, December 12, 2014

The importance of focusing on yourself during a break up

Learning how to move on from a break up can be tough. If it wasn't your choice, or perhaps it happened in a painful way, it's tempting to dwell on your ex and what they are doing. But this is damaging. It stops your emotional healing and prevents you from moving on. However, change can only happen if your make a conscious decision to focus on yourself, and take some practical steps towards changing your mindset.
First things first

Set your alarm ten minutes early, and give yourself a talking to before you get out of bed. Sally describes how she did these in the early stages of her divorce:
'I knew if I chose to stay in bed even once, I would crumble completely. So each morning I spent a few minutes telling myself was strong and I could cope. This made all the difference to how I approached my day.' 
Make a conscious decision that today you will focus on yourself, not on your ex.
Plan some treats

Focusing on yourself takes planning. By planning lovely things, you can focus on those when you find yourself starting to dwell on your ex. Sit down and plan daily, weekly, and monthly treats in advance, and perhaps even a big treat for next year. Daily treats could be a scented bath or a cycle ride . Each week arrange to meet friends e.g. enjoy a meal together or shoot some hoops (but remember, talking about your ex is off limits!). Monthly treats could be a theater visit or a camping trip. And maybe book a holiday to somewhere you have always dreamed of visiting.

Channel your hero

Think of someone strong and self-confident – this could be a real person, or a fictional character or movie hero. Now imagine you are that person for a day. Whatever happens that day, tackle it as that person. Act strong and confident, and in time you will feel strong and confident. Consider your posture; walking tall and purposefully will give you a boost. Smile often, even if you don't feel like it. Smiling releases endorphin lowers blood pressure and boosts your immune system. Become the person you want to be.

Focus on the new you

Becoming newly independent is a fantastic opportunity to reinvent yourself. What have you always wanted to do but never been able to, perhaps because your ex held you back? Find a more creative job? Take a study course, but knew it would take too much time away from your ex? Well now is your chance so grasp it with both hands. There will never be a better time.
Practice mind control

It takes effort to refocus your mind. The old adage says if you try NOT to think about a green monkey, all you will think about is a green monkey. So practise mind control. Imagine each thought about your ex is like a fish – every time one swims into your mind, scoop it back in the sea. Deliberately think about one of your treats or new goals instead. If your mind wanders, don't beat yourself up. Give yourself a shake and start again.
Change doesn't happen overnight, but little by little you will find you are moving ahead and leaving your ex behind. If you get stuck, you know where we are :)
Till next time
Lots of hugs

Thursday, December 11, 2014

Today is our birthday!

Today Nakeddivorce EmotionalFreedom is 3 years old!
The idea was born in February 2011 and by the 11th December 2011 I had my first sale. I never thought that when I developed the program that it would ever be used by anyone other than me. Since then we have a team which is slowly growing and over 740 people which have completed the 21-day program either with our homestudy kits, Divorce Angels or books. The next phase is about launching our online platform in 2015 which we are working very hard on right now. Everything happens so much slower than I wanted but we have had pre-sales on the program already and we feel very optimistic about it. Then it is onto building the other trauma recovery programs within the Naked Recovery platform which we have also been working on as well as training up the new Angels.
If anyone had ever told me how long this would take or how much work it would be, I would probably have run away but every day I feel very privileged that we get to walk with people through one of the darkest times of their lives back into possibility and lightness. I feel immensely thankful to everyone who trusted us to do the program with us. Especially the people right at the very beginning who helped us make it into what it is today.
Thank you for being who you are.

Wednesday, December 10, 2014

Sick of Suffering for Others? Stop Being a Martyr!

How can you give so much but feel so empty and angry?
Because if you’re a martyr, you’re selfish and you’re not giving freely.
You tell others you are, but you’re not. And because of this you’re suffering in silence… and causing it all yourself.
The motivation of a martyr is to sacrifice themselves for someone else or for a cause – in their relationship, family, friends, work, a cause, or any area of life.
They give give give to feel like a good person. And they tell others they give freely.

But that is a lie

They don’t give freely. They expect something in return and when they don’t get this thing in return they feel empty, tired and angry.
And they don’t let out the anger – because they’re “giving freely” and shouldn’t expect anything in return, right? – So of course it comes out as passive aggression.
Does any of this sound uncomfortably familiar? I see it so often. And if you’re a little bit of a martyr (or maybe a lot) I’ve got some good news for you. You can turn the whole pattern round and let go of the disappointed expectations, anger, tiredness and passive aggression for good. Starting TODAY.

Time to Take Your Power Back

Here’s the key to getting over being a martyr. Remember YOU chose that behaviour. YOU chose to ‘give’. YOU chose to sacrifice yourself. YOU chose it. No one else.
And you forgot that you chose it and now you’re upset when you get nothing in return.
The moment you realise that you chose to sacrifice yourself for someone else, or for a cause, or for your work then you can also choose to stop doing it and take your power back. And you can do it NOW.
Firstly, you have to accept that some beliefs you’ve been living with for years – perhaps your whole life – are just plain wrong. And that can be tough. For example;

Suffering is Not Always Rewarded

Start analyzing exactly what you think to gain every time you sacrifice yourself for someone else. Do you hope to gain respect, a feeling of value, nobility? Or a return favour?
Or does a sneaky feeling of unidentifiable guilt lie behind it? Or undeservedness? Are you trying to prove yourself a good person to yourself, or your parents, or your concept of God?
Remember, all the happiness and richness you can get out of life will not come from someone else, it will come from YOU. By going out and getting it.
Suffering does not lead to joy. If you’re in doubt of this, just think back to when you were young. How easy does a child find it to be happy – without suffering for others. Imagine a child sacrificing everything they want to other children just in the hope the other kids will pay them back and make them happy somehow one day. It’s ridiculous!

Martyrs Are Actually Extremely Selfish

When someone gives a compliment spontaneously and sincerely they’re doing a lovely thing for the other person. When they give a compliment just because they’re fishing for one themselves, well that’s just unpleasant, needy and selfish. Don’t you think?
It’s the same with any sacrifice where you secretly expect something in return. When you give something to someone purely 100% to help them in that moment it’s a lovely gesture for both parties. But when you want something in return, well, you should make sure you say that clearly, because;

Mind-Readers Don’t Exist!

No one can read your mind, and no one knows of these secret deals you’re setting up with them when you sacrifice yourself for them. No one knows of these unfulfilled obligations building up over time the more you “give give give.”
And if they did know that everything you were “giving” came with a debt, they probably wouldn’t accept your sacrifice!

Your Action Plan – Quit Martyrdom and Become Selfless Once More

Firstly, examining your beliefs. And be brutally honest with yourself.
And start setting boundaries and enforcing them with a steel hand;

When you want to say ‘No’… SAY ‘NO’

Don’t be afraid to change the way you act, and the way others will see you. When you start saying ‘No’ others will respect you more, trust me. And when your passive aggression towards them disappears, they’ll love it as much as you do.
And of course, take responsibility for everything in your life. You caused it all. When you accept this, it’s a wonderfully empowering feeling.

Tell me what you think about Martyrs. Are YOU secretly one?
Do share, I want to hear it!