Avoid S.T.E.A.T.s during your divorce

The way you handle the aftermath of divorce is very important, as this story illustrates.

Imagine a child comes home from preschool with her feelings hurt by an interaction with a teacher. Mom asks: ‘What happened?’ The child responds tearfully that the teacher was mean to her.
Mom says: ‘Don’t cry. Here, have a cookie, you’ll feel better.’
For many of us, from an early age we’re taught, often by important figureheads in our lives that feelings can be fixed with food.
Eating the cookie, the child is distracted and forgets about the incident. However there is no completion of the emotional pain caused by the event.
The event and all feelings attached to it have been buried.

One thing to guard against is to ensure you are not avoiding dealing with your emotions by burying yourself in things which either numb the pain or distract you ongoingly. These are called: 

Short Term Emotion Avoidance Tactics

Don’t get me wrong, in the early days of your divorce, the S.T.E.A.T.s are probably the things which help you feel better in each moment. BUT the thing to be aware of is that it’s not feeling better for real – it’s a false sense of security – a false feeling of recovering. It fits into the false healing category.
Short Term Emotion Avoidance Tactics are things you do to avoid feeling the pain or to numb the pain or to take the pain away in the short term. They are often ‘escapism’ type activities where you keep SO focused and ‘busy’ that there is not time to think about how you are feeling or doing. If you fill your life up with lots of S.T.E.A.T.s, your healing will not progress.
The sad thing is that for most people who struggle to get over their divorce, they are engaging in a cycle of feeling the pain – applying a S.T.E.A.T. – feeling the pain – applying a S.T.E.A.T. etc. until over time they feel numb and they think this ‘numbness’ if them healed from their divorce.


 Other S.T.E.A.T.s include:

>>  Food
>>  Alcohol and drugs
>>  Excessive anger towards others
>>  Clubbing or partying
>>  Over-exercising
>>  Fantasy or escapism activities (books, TV, movies)
>>  Isolation
>>  Sex
>>  Shopping/retail therapy
>>  Work and becoming a workaholic
>>  Spending countless hours with your children under the guise of being a good parent but the actual agenda is using your children to help you feel better

The problem with Short Term Emotion Avoidance Tactics is that they are short term. They do not last, and they do not deal with the true emotional issue. S.T.E.A.T.s are distractions that either damage or delay the recovery process.


Exercise

>> Try to identify at least two examples of short-term relief you have used to displace your feelings. This is not as easy as it appears. It could be your first chance to demonstrate your commitment to total honesty in this recovery process.

Sending you a big hug!

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Top tips for how to behave at work whilst you are getting divorced

Keeping your career on track while coping with a divorce is like juggling eggs. You have to remain focused to continue performing. Falling apart is not an option. The naked divorce has been designed to provide a structure for your healing while you work and, if you have children, manage your family. In The naked divorce you will proactively tackle your healing every day, in the mornings, in the evenings and over weekends, so that your emotions do not ‘sneak up’ on you. The office is no place to give vent to your repressed feelings, but if that’s where you find yourself when a rage attack threatens, there’s an exercise at the end of this chapter that will help you remain calm and at peace. Etiquette for dealing with your boss and colleagues during your divorce   Some people find they need routine to carry them through a crisis. But the general rule of thumb when facing divorce is that you should take leave from work to gather yourself. Even three or four days will do. Not only will you need this time to be alone to think, but you’ll need privacy to do so. The comfort of routine is one thing, but be wary of throwing yourself into work as a distraction. Here are some pointers for handling your boss and colleagues: ¤  Firstly, tell your boss what you’re dealing with. Do this in a brief and matter-of-fact way. Ask for time off. Deal with any urgent matters that won’t wait until your return to office. If you need to, write a formal email or letter to your boss. Here is a suggested template: Subject: CONFIDENTIAL Dear Mary I regret to inform you that my husband and I are separating. Consequently, may I request a few days’ leave on compassionate grounds? I need to organise my living arrangements and ensure that my children are taken care of. In terms of my urgent accountabilities, may I suggest the following? 1. 2. 3. When I return I will endeavour to perform my duties to my best ability. Please keep this information confidential for the moment, as I would like the opportunity to tell my colleagues when the time is appropriate. I will be back at work on (fill in date) and appreciate in advance your patience and understanding. Kind Regards NAME ¤  If you have the option to work from home, do so. It’s easier to maintain professional integrity via email and remotely than to be around the colleagues and people you work with every day when you’re dealing with raw emotions. ¤  Inform the accounts department as soon as possible as your tax code may change. If you feel nervous about calling and aren’t feeling organised, prepare a list of things to communicate and email this through. Ensure that you include your current tax code in the email. ¤  When you return to work, be selective who you tell about your divorce and when you communicate with them. Avoid crying sessions with your colleagues in the bathroom. This is not easy to come back from! ¤  If possible, don’t discuss the details of your divorce with your colleagues. Even if they’re good friends, discuss details outside of work and only with those you know will not make your divorce the office gossip of the day. Having the details of your divorce batted about the office will only add to your stress. ¤  It’s very common to feel foggy and unclear during the first few weeks of a divorce, as your mind is preoccupied with feelings. It’s a good idea to write down all action points and notes from meetings so that you have a reference. Ensure you communicate clearly about what you are willing to take on and what timeframe you can commit to for those outputs. Add on 30% to your deadline as you won’t be your usual, productive self. ¤  Communicate very clearly with your boss about what they can and can’t count on from you. ¤  Make a point of taking a lunch break each day for a few weeks. Leave the office and take a walk. It’s important to take time out when you’re under severe stress. TIP: Take eye drops and good, soft tissues to work. If you find you need a good crying session in the bathroom, have the eye drops handy so that your emotional state is not overly obvious to everyone.  ¤  To remain calm at work drink a great deal of chamomile tea and use Rescue Remedy drops on a regular basis. ¤  A great way to remain calm and focused at work or to relax when heartbreak threatens to overwhelm you is to listen to the naked divorce Break Up Reboot. It’s a 26-minute audio recording (perfect for your lunch hour) designed to refocus your mind and realign the neurochemicals in your brain. Listening to it every day for 21 days will dramatically increase your healing process and make you feel good about yourself again. If you want to know more, go to this link: www.breakupreboot.com. Exercise for handling your emotions at work   When you feel you need to put your emotions aside to focus on your work, practise the following exercise. Cycle through the four ‘A’ words: ë  Be Aware of the emotion. ë  Accept the emotion. ë  Acknowledge your right to your emotion. ë  Act normal. This is how it works: When feeling overly emotional, first stop. Stop doing anything. Just sit. Be still. Breathe. Breathe long and deeply, right into your belly. Let the breath fill your lungs like the ocean surging up the shore. Breathe like this for 20 breaths. And if you cry, you cry J. Become aware of what is happening. A neurotransmitter in your body called Dopamine is what’s kicking around and making you feel crazy. This is what causes that ache within your body. It’s an uncomfortable feeling, but it will pass if you let yourself ‘be’ with it. Visualise. See the craziness as a puppy that has run off without a leash. Understand it and stop allowing it to control you. Allow the emotion to be just like a puppy bounding around inside your head. But don’t engage with it. Just notice it. Watch the puppy and stay calm. You know the puppy will tire soon. Notice its colour, texture and shape. Give that part of yourself that feels crazy a label, or a name: Red Dragon, or Mad Dog. See that craziness as not part of you. See yourself disengaged from it. Accept and acknowledge the craziness and anxiety. It’s there and it’s okay that it’s there. But see it as a visitor that will eventually leave. No matter how you’re feeling at that moment, behave normally. You know that the craziness will pass. Make yourself a hot water drink. Add some lemon and two teaspoons of honey to a cup of boiling water. Drink it slowly. With each sip, sense the craziness retreating, like a tide. Calm down. Take a walk outside if you can. Walk slowly and gracefully, as if you’re gliding. While walking, cycle through your five senses and ask yourself: What do I see, hear, touch, taste and smell? Keep the focus outside your mind and on what’s around you. Be vigilant about this. Remind yourself that there will be an opportunity to feel your emotions when you’re in a safe space later. Remind yourself that everything will be okay. Think of all the things that people have overcome in their lives. Think of someone who has overcome great obstacles to achieve greatness and beauty in their lives. This can be you. Sending you a big hug!

Are you out of touch with your emotions??

I notice with many of my clients that they are out of touch with their emotions – almost like the divorce has NUMBED them…

To remedy this, BUY A JOURNAL – CALL IT SOMETHING SPECIAL REPRESENTING THE NEW YOU – the you who has healed from the betrayal and who feels positive and amazing about her life…

With all your survival, you have stopped paying attention to how you are feeling and what you are feeling. My sense is you are a bit numb to how you are feeling. I want you to focus on how you are feeling and journal how you are feeling EVERY DAY for 14 days – you will be surprised by the results you will achieve by simply becoming aware of how you feel…

I feel…  (Circle the emotions which are most appropriate – at the end of the day, update the chart to see what other emotions you experienced during the day)




People spend a great deal of time talking about their feelings and about their emotions vs. actually processing them and feeling them. They attend workshops, they visit therapists, and they describe how they feel about it.  They talk and talk about their feelings but they don’t feel their feelings.  They intellectualize and analyze their feelings without feeling them.

To avoid this, ACKNOWLEDGE your emotions and your right to them. This is the beginning… The Naked Divorce program also has a solid structure for how to handle your emotions – watch this space!

Sending you a big hug!

Try these Simple Reframes on your Ex-relationship…

Think about your relationship from different points of view:

1. What are the generalisations you have made about yourself and your husband?
2. Now think of someone you admire (friend, mentor, character from history). Imagine he/ she is watching a movie of this part of your life and step into their shoes to watch it instead. What would their comments be?
3. Now imagine a completely neutral observer is watching the movie of your life. Step into their shoes and watch it from there – what do you notice about the interaction from this neutral perspective?
4. Notice the differences  seen from each point of view  – what do you notice?

Do this exercise with another person as well and message me to see what you have noticed…
For more tips and techniques/ exercises and cool stuff, please visit http://www.nakeddivorce.com/
Sending you a big hug