War of the Roses

The War of the Roses was a civil war in England. Where the thirty years of warfare were even more destructive to England than the Hundred Years war had been in the previous century.

With the Petty disputes that occur between partners throughout a Divorce these days it seems necessary to title this article with such a name.

Research by Manchester law firm (Pannone) revealed to find that one in five divorces feature rows over similarly inexpensive possessions. When a couple divorce, there are bound to be complications or disagreements regarding the house and car, children, and so on, that is expected, but arguments over kitchen supplies and even food seems highly unnecessary and just plain ridiculous.

According to James Tozer (Mail Online) a client of a divorce lawyer asked for help to win custody of delicacies her ex-husband had taken from the kitchen of the marital home. A Particular Frying pan was a common bone of contention. There was even specific instruction by a client to her lawyer to write to her former spouse to return some smoked salmon and expensive mustard he had taken out of the freezer, The Lawyer explained that the legal fees in pursuing this would buy her a lot of smoked salmon, but she was adamant they pressed ahead anyway.

Reading this is just shocking to see what outrageous demands people make. If a small possession had a personal value to you there is understanding in that but in most of these cases it seems some couples fight simply for the sake of fighting, if in the process of Divorce you are unable to agree upon the division of small and personal assets, the court will then make the decision. An appointed person is called in to value the assets. The fee for hiring this person is usually quite substantial and in some cases is actually greater than the value of the items being valued.

So The War that goes on between a lot of couples these days stirs the question of where the argument stems from. Is it because of the desperate need for specific items? Where the amount spent on legal costs arguing about these items can be many times more than the value of the possession itself. Or is it rather to prove a point to their ex-spouses? Seems to me the only person who is going to win in this situation is the lawyer with a large amount of money…

Either which way, the movie, The War of the Roses really drives home what can happen when you focus on destroying another person in the quest to prove a point or be right. My tip for anyone going through this life change is decide from the outset WHO YOU WANT TO BE during the process and stick to that. Don’t get entangled in any sling matches or stoop to levels beneath you. Becoming THAT PERSON WHICH SEEKS REVENGE is something which you will forever regret… If you don’t believe me, check out the trailer for a little summary of the film…

Till next time!

Lots of hugs

Some AWESOME dating tip audios from my friend Candy Janetta!

I would like to introduce you to a friend of mine who helps people find their perfect match after divorce.

She is a relationship coach and author of ‘How to meet your perfect match’. Her name is Candy Janetta.

She is happily married and helped hundreds of single people to get the relationships they want. You can find out more about Candy here: www.howtomeetyourperfectmatch.com

She has kindly allowed me to share some great content she recorded some time ago, which I think you will LOVE. If you like it, tell Candy, she would be chuffed.

The 3 Reasons people are not successful at dating

Highlighting different traits between men and women in relationships

How to Identify the relationship you want

How to Identify the relationship you want

The 6 things to overcome before successful dating

The 6 things to overcome before successful dating

The Do’s and Don’t of online dating

Getting your online profile just right

The art of flirting

Till next time!

Lots of hugs

Your divorce: Are you an Eeyore or a Tigger?

I remember my first Pooh bear book when I was a kid. I loved it to death and pawed at the pages on a daily basis. I was so in love with the characters that when it came time to find ways to earn money for my school as a debutante, I even wrote and directed a play which starred almost my whole school when I was 16. Those were the days…

If you have never read A.A. Milne’s classic tales of a bear and friends – allow me to enlighten you.

Tigger

Tigger is the overly excitable, wildly bouncy tiger who is always bouncing around the enchanted forest. His attempts at spreading sheer joy to all those around him is infectious – even if he bowls everyone over like a bull in a china shop. He spread joy and gave energy to everyone. His most endearing quality (other than his cute listhp) was his knack of referring to himself in the 3rd person. Classic lines from tales of Pooh included:

• …because “bouncin’ that’s what Tiggers do!”)
• Woohoo hooo hooo hooo hooo!?
• TTFF – Ta ta For Now
• And then there was his little song:

The wonderful thing about Tiggers
Is Tiggers are wonderful things
Their tops are made out of rubber
Their bottoms are made out of springs
They're bouncy, trouncy, flouncy, pouncy
Fun, fun, fun, fun, FUN!
But the most wonderful thing about Tiggers
Is I'm the only one

Eeyore

Eeyore on the other hand is a somber donkey.  Oh everything bad happens to this donkey as even his tail is held on by a button. Gloom and doom, and he is known for saying in the saddest tone “Thanks for noticin’ me”.  His energy is vibrating pretty low and the outlook is bleak to status quo at best.  He is the antithesis of personal empowerment. Eeyore has very little expectations from his friends and therefore wherever there is an occasion where his friends gather around his to help him, his thoughts of receiving the worst are dismissed and he has a feeling of being grateful to them. Eeyore’s biggest problem is when his tail falls off and that happens frequently (he has lost it many times).

Although always sad, he has very cute endearing qualities. So there is alot of compassion inside him. This is shown when Eeyore is able to grow a plant which Rabbit, a much respected gardener is unable to grow. Eeyore achieves this by giving the plant some of his love. His most famous quotes included:-

• Thanks for noticing me
• If it is a good morning
• It’s not much of a tail
• Most likely lose it again
• Days, weeks, months, who knows
• It works. Didn’t expect it to

The choice…

We all go through times in our lives when we become Eeyore. With anxiety we spend our time and energy fruitlessly by worrying about things we have no control over, things that are not real, etc… The thing to notice is that it’s kind of self-perpetuating. The more you believe nothing good will ever happen and it’s all gloom and doom – the more you will attract those things into your life. You need to switch your focus and be grateful. Grateful that there is nothing really wrong with you. Grateful for having another day on this earth. Grateful for all the people and things in your life.

Our thoughts are one of the few things truly within our control. Even if it is challenging to completely control what comes to mind, we can certainly learn to control the thoughts that stay in our minds, the thoughts we focus on, dwell on. Thoughts create world paradigms, impact our energies, and drive our actions. Even if you had a bit of Eeyore in you in the past, the past need not be the future and your tendency does not have to be your destiny. Even if a negative thing is true, does it serve you to focus on it? Even if a negative thing is true, odds are there are many positive things that also are true or could become true about a person or situation and your thoughts and energies may better serve you focused on the solution rather than the problem.

The key to becoming a Tigger

The principles of Cognitive Behavioural Therapy talk about Behavioural Actualisation – i.e. stop sitting around moping and get moving – take action and do stuff to pull yourself OUT of the abyss of gloom. Once you sink into the abyss of doom, it’s hard to get out.

As this youtube video from The NeverEnding Story, once you get stuck in the abyss, it could be deadly…

The Naked Divorce is a great programme for getting over a divorce and pulling yourself out of that doom and gloom.

• It has a structure with a defined beginning, middle and end
• You focus on the end goal
• You have a programme to follow and starting taking actions towards changing your behaviour today
• You have all the support you need

So, it’s up to you. No need to be an Eeyore in the situation you find yourself in. I will paraphrase a line from Morgan Freeman’s character Red in the Shawshank Redemption “Get busy healing, or get busy dying”

Till next time!

Lots of hugs

How to stop getting hooked by your ex!!

Learn all about

• Establishing some ground rules… (it’s all ABOUT Buckets and Spoons  )
• Allow them to vent – YES, actually LET them lose it whilst you file your nails (in your mind)
• Channel a powerful person (time for Queen Latifah to come out)
• Get a scripted answer to your issue – ASK A QUESTION 24/7
• Master communication skills and learn boundaries in the Naked Divorce 21-day programme

Till next time!

Hugs

How to help your children through divorce…

Learn some great tips on helping your children through divorce including…

• Getting yourself together
• Not using your child as a weapon
• Not using your children as a way of dealing with or processing your own emotions
• Letters to write to children
• For an interview with a parenting expert, go here

Lots of hugs

Some Principles of Keeping Love Alive…

I am sometimes really frustrated that the education system today does not prepare us for what it TRULY takes to make a romantic relationship work in the long-term. I wish that I had known some of these principles before I got married. Unfortunately I had to make all the mistakes before I learnt all of these lessons for the future. I had to develop some compassion for myself because I really didn’t have the insights I have today back when I actually needed them. I am therefore committed to keep mastering the principles of keeping love alive, not only to ensure that my clients benefit from all this wisdom but that I ensure my own future happiness in my relationship.
In your next relationship, keep some principles in mind to assist you in keeping love alive. These are tips I have put together after reading 27 books on the topic, interviewing experts and from my own personal experience in working with couples.

Keeping love alive principle #1: Let him win at loving you

This is a lesson I learnt the hard way. I had to own up to the fact that I never let my ex-husband win at loving me. I spent most of the time playing hard to get, difficult, dramatic or testing him. Your man needs to feel that by simply being around you, he can make you happy and that you’re at peace and fully satisfied in his company. This is why an overly-critical woman can make her man feel he’s failed at loving her. He’ll withdraw his affection and love in return. He may even say things like, “I can’t win”. Ask yourself, “Have I let him feel he can always win at loving me?” This is a crucial lesson for keeping love alive. When you come home and you’re feeling grumpy, ensure your man knows he is amazing and that he makes you very happy and that your moods have nothing to do with him.

Keeping love alive principle #2: Maintain the polarity of your relationship

The feminine essence is: Loving, caring, spontaneous, crazy, unpredictable, free, fun, mental, dramatic, turbulent, shrieking at the sight of a mouse/spider/creature with more legs than yourself, outspoken, honest, vulnerable, raw, carefree, real, weepy, emotional, a hurricane, self-expressed, creative, chatty, babbling and making no sense, cooking, loud, noisy, peaceful, sexy, goddess-like, mysterious, a dancing nymph,
wanting to be comforted, nurtured, supported and loved. The feminine essence is not: controlling, overly organized, bossy, nagging, changing light bulbs (even if she is perfectly capable of doing so), killing snakes, doing manly chores that require power tools, silent, talking about her emotions instead of
feeling them, too intellectual, so damn independent that a man will sense she doesn’t need him (sadly, he will be right). Focus on remembering these points whenever you feel your man slipping away from you. Step back into your feminine essence and he will come straight back to you.

Keeping love alive principle #3: Maintain separateness and move to your own rhythm

It was Sherry Argov who distinguished that ‘men equate longing with love.’ If you do everything together, there will be no opportunity for your man to experience any longing for you. So, don’t jump through hoops for him. Don’t suffocate him by always wanting to be where he is or checking up on him. If he texts you, don’t respond immediately if you are busy with something else. Wait a little while until you have completed what you were doing before texting him back. If you get home and see there is a message from him, wait until you’ve settled in, made a cup of tea, had a bath or dinner, or anything else you want to do before checking the message.
NOTE: To keep sexual chemistry alive in your relationship, remain feminine in your relationship and true to your feminine essence. Allow your
man to be the man in your life.
Keep your own interests and activities alive. Every few nights, ensure you have a gym class, dinner, a movie or a book club with a girlfriend or something that ensures he doesn’t always have your movements pinned down. You’ll see when you get home afterwards that he’s missed you…

Keeping love alive principle #4: When he disappears on you, focus on making yourself happy

Men disappear from time to time and as author John Gray stated in ‘Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus.’ They do go into their caves from time to time. It’s a basic need and one that too many women don’t understand. When he disappears, he’s usually still physically present, but emotionally distant and distracted. At these times, dig deep, practice the Worry Buster exercise on Day 17 of the naked divorce programme and reassure yourself that this is a test. He is testing your reactions. Our natural instinct is to want to know why. We’ll want to know if there’s something wrong. No! No! No! This will drive him further into the cave. You have to focus on making yourself happy. Organize a dinner with your girlfriends. Play tennis. Go to the gym. Have a luxurious bath and pamper session. Whistle while you’re cooking dinner. Leave him be. Don’t question or enquire. Smile at him and give his hand a squeeze,
then walk away and go and be happy. This will surprise him because men are used to women acting very clingy whenever they retreat into their caves. He will be concerned that your life does not revolve around him and that you seem happy without him doing anything. The hunter within him will return from his cave very fast to reclaim his woman, you’ll see!
There are many more of these principles in the naked divorce book. Purchase it today to learn more!
Hope you enjoyed that, till next time!
Big hugs

What are some of the common feelings when experiencing a shock divorce?

My name is Adèle and I am a Divorce Angel. I remember the first four days after my husband left. They were brutal. At 02:30 am I was on my third glass of wine and hadn’t eaten in three days. I had been in my pyjamas for 36 hours straight and had chain-smoked 40 cigarettes (and I’m not even a smoker!). There was a pile of laundry on the couch waiting to be ironed and used tissues everywhere. The house was in absolute chaos and I didn’t feel like doing anything. I wasn’t answering my phone or talking to my family or anyone else. I had a vision of being found dead of a broken heart at the age of 85, still wearing my pyjamas, with no love or man in my life. The only time I left the house, I was so distracted, I almost drove into a wall. I thought that if I could convert my emotional pain into physical pain, I could take a pill for it. How bizarre my thoughts were!
The reality is that I was in despair. I felt completely out of control. For someone who is usually organised and structured, this was a very new feeling.

Nothing helped and I remember thinking, “Why the hell is this happening to me?” I had read 27 books on breaking up in two weeks. I had spoken to two therapists. I had spoken to a counsellor. I listened to music. I listened to a personal development CD. I spoke to friends. Nothing helped. I was going crazy. I was so uncomfortable in my own skin. The pain felt unbearable, I just wanted to feel normal again.

If this sounds familiar to you or you can relate in any way, welcome to the club. You are completely normal and you will be okay.

Here are some completely normal responses to divorce:
• Numbness – numbness can be physical, emotional, or both. The numbness
• lasts for different periods of time for different people.
• Disrupted sleep patterns – not being able to sleep or sleeping too much is
• completely normal.
• Changing eating habits – it’s normal to have almost no appetite or a need to
• eat nonstop, or both, alternately.
• Rollercoaster of emotional energy – extreme ups and downs. As a direct result
• of these emotional highs and lows, you may feel emotionally and physically
• drained.
• Depression – feeling low and depressed is normal.
• Despair, desolation and desperation.
• Reduced concentration.
• Feeling hopeless.
• Feeling helpless.
• Feeling strong anger or rage.
• Experiencing dramatic mood changes.
• Exhibiting a change in personality.
• Losing interest in most activities.
• Experiencing a change in sleeping or eating habits.
• Performing poorly at work.

You will feel low for the first few weeks, even months. That’s normal. After that, you’ll start to feel more like your old self. You’ll start to rationalise things and you’ll begin to work out what to do next. This is a turning point, and it means you’re thinking about your future. The pain will still be there, but it will become easier to bear and you’ll find many things you can do to work through the pain and speed up your recovery.
You may feel it tempting to keep busy and avoid being alone.

However, if you want to heal, the KEY is to FACE your emotions and process them. I know this may sound like a frightening idea. I remember thinking that my own sadness and grief would swallow me whole. What I did realise after a few days was that every single emotion had another emotion underneath it, almost like there were layers of emotions which
needed to be peeled off. My job was to simply move through each emotion, find the boundary or ending of
the layer and move onto the next emotional layer. There was actually a natural ending to each emotion but only when I truly experienced and acknowledged the preceding emotion. When you resist your emotions and avoid being with them by indulging in Short Term Emotion Avoidance Tactics, you prolong the healing cycle
unconsciously.

You will consequently have no say about how much time your healing will take or what will happen.

Sending you a big hug!