Are You A Giver Or A Taker In Your Relationships?

Some people live life being just on the take – looking at what they can get out of every situation. They’re also not interested in doing something unless they get something in return.

In some way none of us will do anything unless we get something out of it but true joy in life comes from giving without a guarantee of receiving anything in return. Like unconditional love.

If you find yourself being conditional in the gifts you give people i.e. I gave you x, you owe me y then your gift was not given unconditionally.

From taker to dictator

I think self-centered people often wind up taking the Dictator role in relationships. Especially if they’re paired with a giver. This is where `who gets what and how much` is always determined by the taker, the other partner gets whatever the taker decides they’ll get. And that’s that.

This inevitably leads to unhappiness for the taker’s partner. And a failing relationship.

You can’t take and win

This fascinating study ‘Reciprocity is Not Give and Take’ illustrates a powerful reason why takers kill relationships. With a series of experiments, a team at the University of Chicago found that when it comes to social relationships, including intimate relationships, when one side gives, the other side can give equally and both parties feel satisfied.

But when one side takes, and then in return the other side takes the same or receives something of equal value, then the dictator (sorry I mean the taker) is the only happy one left. The other party who was initially taken from is still not happy. It’s just human nature.

So to sum this up, the only relationship that can work and flourish is two givers. But watch out, there are still ways being a giver can be bad for you.

Be a giver, not a record-keeping matcher

Make sure you’re a giver, and not a matcher – someone who remembers every little thing they gave and expects the equal amount in return, or they’re just not happy. This Psychology Today article explains the matcher nicely.

Very often such matchers don’t even express all the things they feel the other party owes them and they become martyrs – always giving, giving, giving and feeling sad and frustrated because the world just isn't giving back. See my earlier post on martyrs here. Don’t become one!

Givers can be taken advantage of

In any relationship the giver is the happiest and also potentially the unhappiest.

Just make sure you’re with another giver, not a taker or a matcher. And the best way to be is always strive to give unconditionally, expecting nothing in return. Except perhaps that warm feeling of giving to someone you love.

Give from the heart because you want to. I think you’ll agree that’s true love and the foundation of something beautiful.

How to know you’re receiving unconditional love

And at the same time respect yourself, don’t be taken disadvantage of and make sure you’re receiving unconditional love too. Not in a tit-for-tat way. But just be aware of it.

When you’re conscious of this you’ll know if your partner is playing the role of a taker and dictator. And you can communicate it to them if they are, because they’re probably unaware of it.

When your partner gives love and is happy, regardless, you know it’s no strings attached giving. And when you mess up, make poor choices, get in your partner’s way, take a wrong turn or sabotage your own happiness and you’re partner’s not disappointed or irritated. And stays right with you, without judging or punishing. That’s another sign you’re not with a taker.

So, are you a taker or a giver in your relationships?

Share your thoughts!

Don’t Eat That Cookie! Are You Healing or Avoiding?

When you were young did your mother use to say, ‘Don’t cry. Here have a cookie and you’ll feel better.’

And you ate the cookie, got distracted and yes you did actually feel a bit better. For ten minutes. Then the pain came back, and it was time for another cookie.

Does this sound at all familiar? If that child was you, perhaps you grew up to associate fixing your emotions with food, or other short term distractions. Instead of facing the pain and actually healing properly. The fact is:

If you don’t confront your emotions, you’ll never heal!

The example of the daughter and her cookie comes from John James and Russell Friedman’s great book ‘The Grief Recovery Handbook’, where they talk about confronting your emotions rather than filling your life with things that fill your time, but only provide a short-term relief.

When you eat that cookie the fact is there’s no emotional completion of the pain caused by the event. The event and all the feelings associated with it are simply buried. Ready to keep coming up throughout your life no matter how many cookies you eat.

What are Your Short Term Emotion Avoidance Tactics?

Short Term Emotion Avoidance Tactics (STEATs) are things you do to avoid feeling the pain, numb the pain, or to take the pain away in the short term. They are often escapism-type activities where you keep SO focused and busy that there is no time to think.

They help you feel better in each moment BUT you’re not feeling better for real – it’s a false sense of security – a false feeling of recovery. And if you fill your life up with lots of STEATs your healing will not progress.

STEATs are so common after divorce

The sad thing is that for most people struggling to get over their divorce they’re engaging in a cycle of feeling the pain, applying a STEAT, feeling the pain, applying another STEAT, until over time they feel numb and they think this numbness is them healed from their divorce.

STEATs prolong the emotional roller-coaster of your divorce. So you never fully grieve for long enough or experience the loss critical to healing for real. Your emotional roller coaster will go up and down, up and down. Until you stop. And start to heal for real.

Your recovery exercise – which of these common STEATs do you use?

It’s time to be brutally honest with yourself.

Try to identify two short-term relief activities you’ve been doing to distract yourself and displace your feelings since your divorce or break up. This can be a lot harder than it seems, but it’s going to take your absolute commitment to honesty to truly heal.

Here are some common examples: Excessive socializing. Over-exercising. Fantasy or escapism activities (books, TV, movies). Shopping/retail therapy. Work and becoming a workaholic. Pretending something hasn’t happened. Overeating. Eating foods loaded with sugar and fat (‘comfort eating’). Excessive drinking of alcohol. Excessive use of recreational drugs. Using prescription drugs such as tranquilizers or antidepressants.

The list is endless, and it could be something totally unique for you.

So, what STEATs do You use?

Can you share a few with the world?

I’d love to hear them!

Stop Saying ‘I’m Fine’ When You’re NOT

Are you always saying “I’m fine” and resisting support?

It’s so interesting that the people who struggle the most and need the most help in life, usually don’t see it. They’re the people who push help and support away.

They think needing support is weakness. That even admitting you need help is weakness.

Do you know someone like this? Perhaps you know someone like this rather… intimately?

If you do, here’s news for you:

Winners Get Help!

And they always do. Quickly, when they need it. Without complaining. And without caring one little bit about how they’re perceived for asking for support. 

Those self-aware people enjoying success in life notice when they need help sorting something out. When things don’t work out they say, ‘Woah, I need to get my head straight and because I am in my own head, I probably need some help with that.’

They then get up and go get help and just like that, they’re back in their mojo. Loving life once more. They even build a whole Dream Team of support people in their corner.

And they do it because they know they’re responsible for everything in their lives. And they avoid the common mistake in thinking I see so often among (usually very intelligent) ‘I’m fine’ people…

Stop Looking Outside Yourself for a Magic Bullet Solution

I see this pattern so often. People who think their issues in life are outside of themselves.

They think if they can just change their circumstances, their financial situation, their weight or their job, or the people around them then BOOM everything will suddenly fall into place and their life will work out.

The truth is circumstances and the people around us have nothing to do with our lives being good or bad. Our mindset, attitude and inner world absolutely shapes our outcomes in the world around us.

It’s All On You – You Are the Cause

If life ain’t working out for you, or you keep attracting drama/chaos/issues, or are just perpetually unhappy, then you have something to do with that. You, and only you.

We cannot control what happens to us in life but we can control how we react. It’s all about our mindset and our inner landscape, which shapes our outcomes.

The bottom line – we are responsible for the results we achieve in life. We have everything to do with how our lives turn out. And those who know this fact are self-aware and are usually the ones happy and enjoying success.

If You’re on an Island You’re Probably Drowning

The ones that say they never need help but continue complaining, staying on their islands being ‘fine’ are usually the ones sinking and drowning in a pit of despair.

There’s a misunderstanding that seeking support somehow makes you weak. Successful people have no concern about how they’re perceived – they simply focus everything on being empowered and driving forward.

They look at themselves, get into action, do whatever it takes. And successful people have their Dream Team to support them through everything.

Your Challenge – One Whole Day, NO COMPLAINING

Here’s my challenge to you. Firstly, take on the ‘No Complaints Day’ challenge. For one whole day you are not allowed to complain in any way, shape or form. Sounds easy? Try it. It might be the most revealing day of your life.

Secondly, start building your Dream Team of support around you. Stop saying ‘I’m fine’ when you’re not, and start saying ‘Can you help me please?’

And tell me what you discover. I’d love to hear it!