Your divorce: Are you an Eeyore or a Tigger?

I remember my first Pooh bear book when I was a kid. I loved it to death and pawed at the pages on a daily basis. I was so in love with the characters that when it came time to find ways to earn money for my school as a debutante, I even wrote and directed a play which starred almost my whole school when I was 16. Those were the days…

If you have never read A.A. Milne’s classic tales of a bear and friends – allow me to enlighten you.

Tigger

Tigger is the overly excitable, wildly bouncy tiger who is always bouncing around the enchanted forest. His attempts at spreading sheer joy to all those around him is infectious – even if he bowls everyone over like a bull in a china shop. He spread joy and gave energy to everyone. His most endearing quality (other than his cute listhp) was his knack of referring to himself in the 3rd person. Classic lines from tales of Pooh included:

• …because “bouncin’ that’s what Tiggers do!”)
• Woohoo hooo hooo hooo hooo!?
• TTFF – Ta ta For Now
• And then there was his little song:

The wonderful thing about Tiggers
Is Tiggers are wonderful things
Their tops are made out of rubber
Their bottoms are made out of springs
They're bouncy, trouncy, flouncy, pouncy
Fun, fun, fun, fun, FUN!
But the most wonderful thing about Tiggers
Is I'm the only one

Eeyore

Eeyore on the other hand is a somber donkey.  Oh everything bad happens to this donkey as even his tail is held on by a button. Gloom and doom, and he is known for saying in the saddest tone “Thanks for noticin’ me”.  His energy is vibrating pretty low and the outlook is bleak to status quo at best.  He is the antithesis of personal empowerment. Eeyore has very little expectations from his friends and therefore wherever there is an occasion where his friends gather around his to help him, his thoughts of receiving the worst are dismissed and he has a feeling of being grateful to them. Eeyore’s biggest problem is when his tail falls off and that happens frequently (he has lost it many times).

Although always sad, he has very cute endearing qualities. So there is alot of compassion inside him. This is shown when Eeyore is able to grow a plant which Rabbit, a much respected gardener is unable to grow. Eeyore achieves this by giving the plant some of his love. His most famous quotes included:-

• Thanks for noticing me
• If it is a good morning
• It’s not much of a tail
• Most likely lose it again
• Days, weeks, months, who knows
• It works. Didn’t expect it to

The choice…

We all go through times in our lives when we become Eeyore. With anxiety we spend our time and energy fruitlessly by worrying about things we have no control over, things that are not real, etc… The thing to notice is that it’s kind of self-perpetuating. The more you believe nothing good will ever happen and it’s all gloom and doom – the more you will attract those things into your life. You need to switch your focus and be grateful. Grateful that there is nothing really wrong with you. Grateful for having another day on this earth. Grateful for all the people and things in your life.

Our thoughts are one of the few things truly within our control. Even if it is challenging to completely control what comes to mind, we can certainly learn to control the thoughts that stay in our minds, the thoughts we focus on, dwell on. Thoughts create world paradigms, impact our energies, and drive our actions. Even if you had a bit of Eeyore in you in the past, the past need not be the future and your tendency does not have to be your destiny. Even if a negative thing is true, does it serve you to focus on it? Even if a negative thing is true, odds are there are many positive things that also are true or could become true about a person or situation and your thoughts and energies may better serve you focused on the solution rather than the problem.

The key to becoming a Tigger

The principles of Cognitive Behavioural Therapy talk about Behavioural Actualisation – i.e. stop sitting around moping and get moving – take action and do stuff to pull yourself OUT of the abyss of gloom. Once you sink into the abyss of doom, it’s hard to get out.

As this youtube video from The NeverEnding Story, once you get stuck in the abyss, it could be deadly…

The Naked Divorce is a great programme for getting over a divorce and pulling yourself out of that doom and gloom.

• It has a structure with a defined beginning, middle and end
• You focus on the end goal
• You have a programme to follow and starting taking actions towards changing your behaviour today
• You have all the support you need

So, it’s up to you. No need to be an Eeyore in the situation you find yourself in. I will paraphrase a line from Morgan Freeman’s character Red in the Shawshank Redemption “Get busy healing, or get busy dying”

Till next time!

Lots of hugs

What I have learnt from the passing of my aunt…

My aunt Estelle died three weeks ago. It really shook me up and what was incredible was the sermon which the priest gave at her funeral. I want to share elements of it as I think it is so empowering in the context of mourning anyone who has past away as well as give us things to think about in the healing from divorce or breaking up. I learnt a great deal in the context of divorce about how important it is to grieve and feel your emotions.

After her death, I subsequently made a list of everything I want to do before I die and as I cover on Day 19 of the naked divorce – it’s important to take a step back from life from time to time and revisit your dreams and the things that really matter.

I have edited out bits of the ceremony – these are the parts that I wish to share with you.

Remember Her – a sermon by Kerryn Barton from St John’s ministry in South Africa

To the living, SHE is gone.
To the sorrowful, SHE will never return.
To the angry, SHE was cheated.
But to the joyful, SHE is at peace
And to the faithful, SHE has never left.
SHE cannot be seen, but SHE can be heard.
So as you stand upon a shore, gazing at a beautiful sea – remember her.
As you look in awe at a mighty mountain and its grand majesty – remember her.
As you look upon a flower and admire its simplicity and its
delicate perfume – remember her.
As you hear melodic harmonies in the music she loved – remember her.

Remember her in your heart, your thoughts, and your memories of the times you loved, the times you cried, the times you fought, the times you laughed.
For if you always think of her, SHE will have never gone.

Grief can isolate us …. even here among family and friends. We all grieve differently…
Grief can silence us … when the pain is beyond the words we can use … when it silences us from song
Grief can bring anger … sometimes passionate and overwhelming for the future that we have lost.
Grief stretches us to our limits … and from this awful experience, we learn a profound appreciation for the love and compassion that can be freely shared and unselfishly given.


It’s hard to get your mind around death (or divorce) – because of the sense of loss one feels, and you may ask, why celebrate at the loss of a loved one, a friend. Well, while we acknowledge that sense of loss, we must also acknowledge the fact that She, in so many ways that perhaps you have not even realized, has touched your life, taught you something, shown you something, enriched your life – and for that we should celebrate what she has given to all of us.

We don’t realize that every time we connect with a person, even if it is a fleeting moment of meeting only once, we touch each other’s lives and somehow we are enriched by that connection – however insignificant it may seem – but that short-lived
relationship between/connection to our individual lives does make a difference – the thing is that we don’t realize what that person has given us and what we have given them until we reflect on it. Whenever we connect with someone – they and we cause
ripples in each other lives.

And the reality is – WE NEED TO GRIEVE – Talking about her will help. Having a good cry – taking time to reflect and chatting to people about our feelings is good.

There is one truth that gives us hope even in our deepest grief. Love never dies.
That’s true. You might not physically be able to touch and speak to her any longer but the love you have for her and the love she has for you is still there. It’s alive in your heart. Everytime you hear beautiful music you will find a smile breaking on your
face as your heart warms.
You will find you’re thinking of her.

You can shed tears that she is gone
or you can smile because she has lived
You can close your eyes and pray that she’ll come back
Or you can open your eyes and see all she’s left.
Your heart can be empty because you can’t see her
Or you can be full of the love you shared
You can turn your back on tomorrow and live yesterday
Or you can be happy for tomorrow because of yesterday
You can remember her and only that she’s gone
Or you can cherish her memory and let it live on.
You can cry and close your mind,
be empty and turn your back
Or you can do what she’d want:
Smile, open your eyes, love and go on.


Powerful stuff hey?


Sending you lots of love

Why therapy doesnt work and what you should do about it!

Now that I have stuffed myself full of mince pies and Christmas cheer – I think the time for jollyness has passed.
I am in that place called the CRIMBO LIMBO – that weird Bermuda triangle time between Christmas and new year. It’s a time of reflection and – dare I say it – a little ranting (she says with evil glint in her eye) at the ineffectual people who pass their advice over this holy period.
I feel it’s time for a little rant because I just read another winning article by a ‘renowned’ relationship psychologist in the Sun and then another prize-fighting article by Dr so-and-so in the Independent, who has been termed as ’a psychiatrist with 17 years of counselling and trauma experience’. You would think with all the letters behind their names that these two clowns know what they are talking about and that their advice should certainly be considered. Well people, I am utterly stunned that these individuals can get away with sharing these ‘sage’ tips or advice which endorse people to further intellectualise their emotions and engage in short term emotion-avoidance tactics whilst healing from their break up or divorce.
Take a line from one of these ‘experts’:
“whenever you are feeling low and upset after a divorce, forget the ex by going out with your friends on the town – wear a short little number and dance your cares away. Then when feeling low upon returning home, have a little treat – it’s better for you than a shot of whiskey”
OMG.
Are you frikking kidding me?
And this isn’t even the worst one. Dr so-and-so actually commented that Demi Moore deserved being dumped by Ashton Kutcher because she “should have known that marrying someone considerably younger was just full of trouble” and that “she should do something useful, like volunteer at a shelter or take up new hobbies to take her mind off things” as well as “giving it lots of time, as that is the ultimate healer”.
Oh and of course “Get a fresh make-up look and try out a new hairstyle signalling a new phase in  your life. Resolve to get out and about, proving there is a new life for you  and your children post break-up.”
Incredible.
Well Dr and Ms fancy-pants – if your profession was so good at sorting out people after their break up or divorce, then why is it that the 2nd, 3rd and 4th marriage divorce rates are exponentially getting worse on a global scale year-on-year? Only 14% of people married for a 3rd time have a chance at a happy ending. Your sage tips to ‘give it time’, ‘take your mind off things’ and ignore the issue by getting a ‘fresh make-up look’ is NOT HELPING the millions of people out there who are facing divorce every day.
Ok, rant over. Apologies for all the therapy-loving people out there. I think there is an important place for therapy and counselling in society but in my experience, many therapists have lost their way and become lazy or too focused on making money vs. actually helping people get over their break up or divorce.
Statistics show that people are not healing from their first divorce, so practically, people are carrying their weight in relationship baggage from one relationship to the next. Over the past ten years, this is a summary of the global marriage failure trend:







The average statistics across the USA, UK, Australian, South African, Canadian and New Zealand statistics over the past 12 years show that people are not healing from divorce leading to an increase in 2^nd, 3^rd and 4^th marriage failures too.
Additionally, the Office of National Statistics in the UK and the USA Census Bureau has reported that over the past 10 years;

• On average, over one third of marriages fail.
• The most common age of divorced women is between 37 and 42.
• At 49%, the USA has the highest divorce rate, followed closely by countries like the UK and Russia.
• The average marriage lasts 11 years and in half of all divorces, there are children involved.
• 50% of all divorced people say that they ‘felt there were things they could have done to prevent their divorce and they wish they had done more’.
• 65% of people divorced for a 3^rd or 4^th time said that they wished they had handled their divorces in a more ethical and graceful way, taking a more active role in their healing. They also said that they wished they had gotten to the root cause of the break-up so that they didn’t ruin their next relationship.

Wow, now isn’t that fascinating
Ok, I know I am super sarcastic but it just infuriates me that good people are trusting the advice of these people and doing the best they can with this advice, only to find that they have not healed, have not gotten to the source of their divorce and are no further along the healing journey than when they started.
During the very early days of my divorce I took some action. I saw 2 therapists. This is what everyone said would be a good idea to do.
Both therapists told me that as I had been married for 7 years, it would probably take me at least 18 months – 2 years to get over the relationship and that I should ’take my time’.
The first therapist commenced the therapy session by taking me back to an incident from my youth. I was 2-years-old and was in hospital for many months due to a congenital hip birth defect. The doctors were spending months building me hip sockets and due to the strict rules of the hospital, my parents were not allowed to visit me very often. Consequently I developed some abandonment issues and rather than focus on the divorce, my therapist was linking my feelings related to the divorce to the fear I’d felt in childhood.
We explored that incident for some time and after 2 hours of deconstruction (and a hefty bill later), I left feeling thoroughly disempowered and confused. Not only had my husband ‘abandoned me’, my parents, doctors and family had abandoned me, and in turn, not only was I now annoyed with my former husband, I was now annoyed with the world too.
The parallel relevance of exploring the moment of abandonment in childhood and my husband leaving, although fascinating was not helping me get out of bed in the morning and deal with the issues right in front of me. I resolved that I did not want to spend months dissecting each aspect of my childhood in order to make sense of my divorce. I had very real issues to face in front of me right now. I wanted to talk about how I felt today and not about my life when I was 2-years-old. This process went on for a couple of weeks until I tried another therapist which was the same story.
Now, I know therapy works wonders for many people. I also know that it works very effectively in many situations and that millions of people all over the world choose therapy above any other process. Personally, it was very nice to have someone to talk to. I won’t knock that for a second.
I do, however, think that certain people do not have the patience for it and I count myself within this category. I wanted to get on with my healing. I wanted to take active steps and get to a place of empowerment again. I did not want to gaze longingly at my navel whilst I drifted back into my childhood.
I was seeking an alternative and in most cases, the clients who choose to work with me, have similar feelings.
My specific issues I had which then lead me to develop the naked divorce were:

• I had no understanding of what I was going through and going to therapy didn’t give me any power in taking charge of my own healing. I felt dependent on my therapist.
• It felt like we were going to do a great deal of analyzing during therapy and it was going to take an enormous amount of time. As human beings, we can tend to become fascinated by ourselves and our stories and I believe that taking great time to heal can be very destructive if we allow ourselves to become too self-indulgent. Renowned UK psychotherapist Nea Clark (http://www.balancedbusinessladies.com/) says “there is no need to indulge your feelings over a long period of time. Time doesn’t heal them. Better to do a program like the naked divorce and focus intensively on healing within a period of time. It’s healthier for your mind but also for your body”. Independent surveys conducted by the Stress Society of the United Kingdom have also shown that those who take a very proactive approach to healing, lead happier lives.
• The healing process didn’t feel transparent, it felt like the therapists I saw had the secret to healing and the only way I was going to find out the secret was to commit to seeing them on a weekly basis for 18 months.
• I felt that there was no goal or focus to my healing. The focus was rather on me fitting in whatever I needed to say within 1 hour. We would talk and I would say how I felt. This didn’t work for me.

• My therapists were not experts in divorce. They were expert therapists and knew techniques for healing from all kinds of ailments. What I didn’t realize then and realize today is that divorce is a very specific set of circumstances and emotions and requires healing in a very specific way. Working with someone who didn’t specialize in those emotions and circumstances was not particularly useful.
• My healing did not fit into the ‘let’s meet once a week for 1 hour’ structure. I required around-the-clock support with a phone call here, a text there, an email at 1 a.m. or a session with 1 day’s notice. I wanted a friend to walk with me through the process and not interact in a conventional way. Everything in my life was moving so fast that by the time my weekly session arrived, everything had changed and I spent the session catching my therapist up on my life VS actually making any real progress.

The REAL healing formula

I want to share a little secret with you – the real healing formula for divorce. I have worked on this particular theory with 67 people and this is what I found to work time-after-time:

Healing = SUM of 3 breakthroughs whilst keeping 3 critical factors in mind

That is it.
These 3 breakthroughs happen at any point and time plays no factor in these breakthroughs simply occuring. In fact, time plays no part in healing at all – it simply passes and waiting passively to heal whilst time passes, just wastes your life.
Healing is an active process and journey, requiring active engagement with the process. Basically stop stuffing around, waiting to heal – get busy with it and work on it.
The 3 breakthroughs are:

1. Establishing a grounded routine so you can handle the transformation – in the naked divorce, this is called the Divorce Cocoon.
2. Getting over your ex and processing your old relationship - in the naked divorce, this is called the Metamorphosis.
3. Re-establishing your relationship with yourself redefining yourself, now that you are no longer married - in the naked divorce, this is called Release.

The 3 critical factors to keep in mind whilst healing is:

1. Having a pressured environment — giving yourself a time restriction, combined with the pressure you naturally experience within your divorce creates perturbation which is an alteration or transformation which only occurs when you experience pressure whilst you have a cocoon or supportive environment with you. It’s the kind of breakthrough transformation that happens when you go through a near-death experience or life-threatening experience. These transformations are utterly life-changing and incredible. Divorce can be a catalyst for this kind of life-changing transformation, if you let it
2. Having the right kind of support – in the naked divorce, we talk about interviewing someone to be your Divorce Angel. This person can be someone in your life – but it has got to be someone who will hold your hand as well as kick your butt. Criteria for choosing one is covered in my book
3. Follow the critical habits for transformation – Stephen Covey created the 7 habits of highly effective people – WELL to heal, there are 7 habits for transformative healing. Ensuring you eat well, handle your emotions properly, behave appropriately at work, don’t engage in short term emotion avoidance tactics, have a good game plan and ultimately take daily action and focus intensively on your healing – then you will not only get over your divorce – people will NOT actually recognise you when you are over it.

Ultimately, stop listening to Dr so-and-so and these pathetic old-wives myths about healing and taking your time. They don’t work and causing families to be ripped apart. Take action. Get busy healing or get busy dying – the choice, I leave to you.
With love and a touch of Xmas cheer

Why people drift apart when married…

Far from running from the idea of relationships during my divorce, I found myself fascinated by the dynamics of successful relationships. I wanted to learn everything I could about relationships and what makes them successful. This model from world-renowned life coach and self-help author Antony Robbins made an enormous difference to my life. Essentially, he moves through the cycles of how we communicate with each other in a romantic relationship and how, if we’re not vigilant, intimacy and love can break down. The 5 R’s are:
 Resistance
 Resentment
 Rejection
 Resignation
 Repression
Initially, you start out your married life with some kind of hope for a prosperous relationship. You’re in love, your partner is amazing and everything is perfect. One day, something happens. He says something unkind or does something that elicits resistance in you. You get that “Whoa! Hold on, that was not OK!” feeling. This initial resistance is a completely normal reaction to learning new things about your partner and also normal for any behavior he displays that is not OK with you. As women, we often assume that men will know when they’ve done or said something wrong. So we wait for them to acknowledge this by sulking or withdrawing into silence.
Some men are very perceptive and will know something’s up, others won’t have a clue that their behavior has made their partner unhappy. When we keep quiet about our resistance, the feeling can shift into resentment. Many people in unhealthy relationships simply avoid facing reality. Sometimes this can be because the people involved may be trying to make themselves appear superior. Or perhaps they don’t want to face the fact that their mates really aren’t who they say they are, or that they’ve fallen from the ‘perfect mate’ perch.
For example, Anne B covers up and makes excuses for her mate, Ben B, who is always late from work and almost always misses family functions. She might be trying to avoid the truth: that he’s a workaholic, or having an affair. She does so because she doesn’t want to destroy their ‘perfect couple’ image in everyone’s eyes – and perhaps even in her own eyes.
It’s like ignoring that broken handle on a door in your home or not replacing that light bulb. If you don’t address the resentment, other resistances and other resentments will begin to build up. Once there is some momentum with your resentment, then you or your partner may begin to experience rejection within the relationship.
Once rejection creeps into a relationship, it becomes overwhelming and makes it difficult to create or sustain an intimate sexual relationship. Those of us who have been married a long time know that once the relationship feels strained, the regularity of sex is affected, and things can spiral downhill very quickly. The bed becomes divided into ‘his’ and ‘hers’ zones and intimacy suffers. Even the smallest things he says or does are irritating and more resistance, resentment and rejection builds up. If you don’t discuss your feelings of rejection, then your relationship can shift into the place of resignation.
This is when you can so easily slip into co-habitation; operating as housemates or mere friends. Passion, love and chemistry, and all the elements needed to maintain the spark and fire within the relationship, exit through the window. You can end up with an amicable friendship.
This is dangerous! Contentment and harmony are wonderful hallmarks of a marriage, but be sure they’re not camouflaging deep resignation in a relationship. When left too long, resignation can lead to repression. We’ve all been out to dinner and watched the married couple opposite sitting in complete silence. They’re courteous to one another and exchange pleasantries, but perhaps they have succumbed to resignation or repression and no longer actively discuss their relationship.
Repression completely kills the passion and chemistry in a relationship. At this point you may begin to question your commitment to the relationship. You may wonder if your partner was ever right for you. You may begin to spend hours day-dreaming about escaping from the relationship. When we’re not claimed as women by our men in a relationship, we can become obsessed with romance and escapism, daydreaming about being rescued from the disappointing reality of life and marriage.
When you’re removed from the reality of your relationship and your life and escape into a fantasy world, then you’re in real danger of seeking fulfillment outside your relationship and marriage. This is fertile ground for cheating. This is when the ‘midlife crisis’ happens. This is when we start eating for comfort.
Because we didn’t communicate openly, vulnerably and humanly about all the little resentments, in the moment, they built up and killed the relationship.
Here is a video describing this in more detail:
So I here is an exercise which I want you to do together with your partner every day to defuse some of the stress you both have. Once you have de-stressed then start focusing on managing the 5 R’s in your relationship.
Every evening when you have put the kids to bed, I want you to do the following:
BUCKET YOUR FRUSTRATIONS

• Go fetch a bucket (a real one) and sit together with no TV or chaos in the background with the bucket between you both
• You start by vomitting your frustrations into the bucket – it’s not allowed to be aimed at him or aimed at fighting with him – he is not allowed to respond except to acknowledge that he hears what you are saying – aim it into the bucket and vent everything that is pissing you off about life, how life should be, what your finances should be like not like etc.
• The job is – JUST LISTEN
• He will ask if you are done – if not, keep going until the bucket is full and you can think of nothing else annoying you
• THEN he will ask again if you are done, if you are – you both pick up the bucket and throw out these frustrations out of the window or door
• Now it’s his turn
• You also are not allowed to engage in conversation – he simply will vent his frustrations into this bucket – everything will go into it
• You need to listen only and not argue or speak – just allow him to vent and encourage him to vent so he learns to speak more about how he feels about life
• You will ask if he is done – if not, encourage him to keep going until the bucket is full and he can think of nothing else annoying him
• THEN you will ask again if he is done, if he is – you both pick up the bucket and throw out these frustrations out of the window or door

GRATITUDE
Now you both take turns to say what you are grateful for about your life. Your lives are actually very rich and amazing BUT because you dont focus on that, you dont see this. I want you both to come up with at least 5 things you are grateful for
CREATE TOMORROW
Now you both take turns to say what you will accomplish tomorrow. This is important because at the moment, life is happening to both of you – neither of you say how you want your life to go or feel like you have any control over your lives. Examples include: I will finish the filing tomorrow, I will take a nap in the afternoon and find someone to take care of the kids etc. It will also be good for your husband to share with you more about his job.
The goal for the next week is to do this exercise daily. Once we have you both calmer and in a place where you can defuse the stress, we will move onto next steps!
Till next time!

Considering being born again by changing back to your maiden name after divorce? Think again!

Now that you are divorced, you may have developed an allergy to your married name. However, before you run to the deed poll office or passport office to discard your old tarnished-self and restore yourself back to your maiden name: think again.
It’s more involved than you can EVER imagine…
The problem with your new name is – IT’s NEW.
No one knows you.
And when I mean no one – I mean the world out there (credit agencies, banks, lenders, airports, driver’s license authorities, health services and passport services etc.) doesn’t know YOU exist under this new name.
I was about to trudge off to the passport office one Tuesday and had even declared all across my Facebook network that I was
changing my name until the passport clerk asked me if I had any flights booked under my married name any time in the future. Dammit. Turns out I did. When I called the airline, it turns out my tickets were non-changeable and non-refundable. The clerk then asked me if I had a mortgage in my married name. Dammit. I sat in the corner growling whilst I casually made an enquiry with my mortgage lender. Apparently gracing my mortgage with my shiny new name would incur a £2450 charge for the privilege. Changing my mortgage would not only incur an
admin fee but it would impact my interest rate as apparently some actuary calculated that divorced was riskier than married. I would love to meet this individual and give him a piece of my mind. LOL.
After 6 hours in the passport office, several tears and a hefty mobile bill later, the passport clerk Lolly Taylor came over to me. She was
going on a break and said “Come with me Mrs Muzik, let’s have a coffee”.
Mrs Muzik. Am I actually expected to have this name forever? I WANT TO BE BORN AGAIN.
She explained that she saw this problem all the time and that women just were not told how complicated it was to change one’s name. She
said she even had people come back trying to reverse what they had done because the costs incurred in changing their names were unknown. She saw it as her personal duty to inform all these women before they pushed to be BORN AGAIN under their new identities.

She gave me some questions and considerations which I will share with you:

• Are your children keeping their married name and how will you feel about them having a different name to yours?
• How long have you worked in a particular place with everyone knowing you by your married name?
• Is your professional reputation built on your married name?
• Do your recruitment agents know you by your married name?
• How will you feel about explaining to colleagues and clients that they should now refer to you by your maiden name? Are you ready to have THAT conversation?
• Social networking sites – are you on them? Can you change your name with ease or do you need to reinvite everyone again?
• Do you want two identities? One for work and one for personal?
• Do you have any flights booked in the future in your married name? If you change your passport without changing your flight booking, it may impact your ability to leave the country on the said date
• When you change your passport, you will not be able to leave the country for a while whilst the change is being made (unless you pay the premium for the speed service)
• Is your mortgage in your married name? If you change it, is there an administrative fee associated with that?
• If you change your name, will the mortgage company assume you are divorced and thereby penalise you with an increase in interest rate?
• The costs – there are costs associated with changing passport, drivers license, registration details of your car and all assets you owe. You may need to get new passport photographs, take days off work to stand in queues to get things done. Have you priced that up?
• Insurance – your no-claims bonuses are all stored under your married name. Can you transfer those details across?
• You will systematically have to go through all of your mail and write a letter to change your name with every company you know
• You have to start at the right place (passport – so other name changes are easier)
• Be careful where u do use your maiden name – one day they may ask for ID then you don’t have it!

The thing is, you cannot half do it as this can cause issues. If your passport is in your maiden name but your driver’s license is not, it can cause problems for you in the future. Once you choose to change your name, you need to change it everywhere.
Telling the world that you are born again is a bit of a palava so allow me to assist in a small way with some memory joggers. These are some things to think about:

• Driver’s licence
• Vehicle permit and vehicle registration documents
• Health card
• Passport(s)
• Citizenship card
• Tax and National Insurance records
• Bank account(s) provided that “documentary evidence” of a change of name is provided
• Credit card(s) provided that “documentary evidence” of a change of name is provided
• Bills and anything with your address on it (go through ALL of your mail)
• All your internet log-in information and details. Keep track of these changes in a password file.
• Social media accounts (Facebook, LinkedIn, Twitter, etc.)
• Notify your friends, family and colleagues in an email or letter
•  

NOTE: Documents such as birth, marriage and educational certificates cannot be changed because these documents are “matters of fact”, which means that they were correct at the time they were issued.

Changing your name

 

Choose your new name carefully. Practice signing with it. Have a few people close to you call you by that name, and see how you like it. You can change your first name, middle name, last name, or all of the above. Just make sure your new name doesn’t imply “fraudulent intent” or is not in the public interest by:

• avoiding bankruptcy by pretending to be someone else
• violating a trademark
• using numbers or symbols (except Roman numerals)
• using obscene words

Contact the appropriate local government office to determine the rules and paperwork you’ll need to change your name officially. Get the forms to fill out, which typically include:

• a petition (sometimes called a ‘deed poll’) for change of name in the UK
• an order granting change of name
• a legal backer form
• a notice of petition to the public
• an affidavit of consent (if applicable)
• an affidavit of service of notification to authorities (only if you’re an alien, ex-convict or attorney)
• Get the forms notarized, or signed by court clerk.
• Make copies for your own records.

Submit your paperwork to the appropriate office.
Wait for approval. If your name change is not immediately approved, you may need to go to court and defend your reasons.
Put an ad in the newspaper announcing your name change. This gives the public a chance to object to your name change if, say, you owe debt under your current name. Some states allow you to simply post in a public place such as a designated bulletin board at the courthouse.
Fill out the affidavit and return it to the court clerk.
Wait for your Order Granting Change of Name, which will be your new I.D.
Take this with you to the Department of Motor Vehicles, the Social Security Administration, and the Bureau of Records or Vital Statistics in the state you were born so that you can get a new driver’s license, social security card, and birth certificate, respectively. You will have to go to the Social Security office before you go to the DMV. If your SSN doesn’t match your new name when you apply for a new driver’s license, they won’t issue it.

Some links which may help you:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Name_change

• United Kingdom http://www.ukdps.co.uk/AWomansRightsUponDivorce.html
• United States http://travel.state.gov/passport/correcting/ChangeName/ChangeName_851.html (Each state has different laws – check)
• Canada http://www.vs.gov.bc.ca/name/index.html
• South Africa http://www.home-affairs.gov.za/
• Australia http://australia.gov.au/life-events/changing-your-name
• New Zealand http://www.dia.govt.nz/Services-Births-Deaths-and-Marriages-Name-Change?OpenDocument

After two cups of coffee with Lavern and copious notes later, we determined that it is worth it to be born again under one’s maiden name – HOWEVER you have to surrender to the process. It’s about timing and patience. It’s a journey, not a overnight success story.

Good Luck!

6 tips to unpacking your Emotional Baggage

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